i'm in this horrible dark mood and i can't figure out why. usually when i feel bad it's because i'm tired, and i feel like i can't do anything, and i have no energy. but right now i'm not tired at all, my health is perfect, i just feel incredibley sad. maybe because it feels like summer today. it reminds me of last year, when dave was here and everything was really exciting but also really confusing. and i used to take walks by myself and read virginia woolf in the park at sunset. all my windows are open and the sun just set, the sky is pale yellow and blue behind the dark hills.
maybe i should stop listening to calexico. this cd is so depressing, but so pretty. everything i think of seems clouded by this wistful feeling. like my half finished bowl of oatmeal that i was too sick to eat this morning. forgotten. unwanted. wasted. it sounds silly, but it's really bothering me. i hate thinking about things that were neglected. and right now, everything seems that way. my homework. half-finished books. half-finished projects.
i should call my parents, but they make me sad too. they always miss me so much. i feel like i'm neglecting them, like i should go home and be with them in their late middle age before it's too late. there are always trains going by here, and when my window is open i can hear the clattering train noise and the sad, out of tune train whistle.
c. didn't want to go get more drugs with me, because he's a responsible adult. he seems so much more adult-like and distanced when he's not high. i'm scared of him. i get used to his drug personality, falling all over me and giggling and being silly. i didn't really feel like drugs anyway, i just thought that driving around and having an adventure and changing my state of mind would distract me.
now my choice is: do my homework (i tried that and i can't concentrate) or distract myself by going to downtown, to powell's or something. i can't afford to not do my work at this point, and i don't know if going out would really make a difference. oh wait, c. just knocked. i guess he changed his mind. hmmmm. at this point, i don't really care anymore, and i feel like my mood is just getting worse, so we might as well drive around for a while.