These scenes keep going through my head:
Scene one.
In some wild hope, I walk barefoot down the stairs and across the hallway and knock on C.�s door. Immediately I see that my plan is impossible: he answers the door clean and well dressed, shirt tucked in. His apartment is impeccable; the late afternoon light illuminates the Oriental rug, where his cats meow at me. C. looks at me expectantly. Knowing that my dream is too wild and unhealthy for this wholesome person who is strong and free of my silly problems, I say, �Hey. I just wanted to see if you wanted to go to downtown and get more��
No, he can�t (like he told me the day before, he can only do it once a week), he�s just going to watch this movie, do I want to watch it with him? Awkward, because I have no desire to spend time with this paragon of good health�if I can�t get what I want, I have better things to do, like agonize in my empty apartment because I am unable to do my homework�I make my exit as quickly as I can, and walk back upstairs. The light is gloomy and I kill time by drinking tea, glancing hopelessly at my reading, looking out the window, writing emails. After a while, I feel my sanity returning a bit, maybe I can try to do my reading�
Scene two.
As I sit at my computer, almost forgetting about my futile request of a few hours ago, someone knocks. I know it�s C., maybe he wants to talk or maybe he wants his cds back. I run to the door, turn the knob, and open it a crack. I peer through and grin childishly at him. �Hey,� I say. �Hey,� he says sheepishly, �I can�t stop thinking that maybe we should go downtown and�� I open the door a little wider and lean on it, my body draped limply as I hold onto the doorknob. A faint smile comes to my lips; I look away, out the window.
At this moment everything becomes clear. Even though my previous desire was not enough to make me take the bus to downtown, the desire I planted in him grew and now all I have to do is give in, surrender, and the events will unfold before me. It is no longer my choice, so I laugh, and look him in the eye with a look of, well, I shouldn�t, but it�s so easy� �Ok. Just wait, I have to put my shoes on.� Minutes later we�re in the car, driving through the night�
Scene three.
I�m walking to school in the morning, not because I missed the bus, but because I feel like I should be doing something healthy, like getting exercise. Except I have to walk really slowly, because I have this pain in my side, my liver or kidney. I walk slowly and clutch myself where it hurts. Maybe I can push the pain back inside. Focusing on these details, these tiny things I can do to make myself healthy. Eating the right foods, exercising, getting enough sleep, avoiding alcohol and caffeine, getting fresh air. And then. Pushing this death directly into my bloodstream. This subtle violence�