Here�s my excitement today. I drew on my hand the symbol from The crying of lot 49 by Pynchon. The bugle shape that the main character sees everywhere in the city until it drives her insane. I wondered if anyone would notice. In class, I sit down by Boy. Within a minute, he says, "What's that from?" pointing at my hand. I tell him, and ask if he's read it. He has! (That�s why he asked.) We talk about the book! (First conversation with Boy ever.) I say, "you're the first person to notice, maybe you should get a prize or something.� He laughs. I�m so nervous/elated that I can't stop smiling for 20 minutes. Is it a sign?? I wish I weren't so shy.

In search of: Pure moment of light. Fascinated by: The structure that holds it up. Idea: The things that make beautiful things possible are more fascinating and beautiful than beautiful things themselves.

Example: roller coasters. All those criss-crossing scaffoldings that hold up the smooth curve of the track. The things that make possible the twisting path and pure drop are prettier than the shape they create. picture (new window)

Example: drugs. A feeling: a pure, one-dimensional feeling, about as interesting as sunlight. But what makes the feeling possible? What complex network exists and what actions occur to make that feeling happen in one person? Ritual. Circumstance. Withdrawal. I know I�m crazy, but these things fascinate me. I will always be misunderstood... I am more interested in context than event.

New subject. Addiction: What does it mean to focus your happiness in one physical thing, only to need one thing? This has interested me since I was with Gabe. Unfortunately, I didn't have control over him, so I was always unhappy. When you focus your happiness on something, you need to be secure in your access to it. Ever since then, I�ve learned to make my happiness multi-dimensional and within my control. But what if you can control that thing--the one thing that is all you need to be happy. Is that wrong? Is it a crutch? Doesn�t everyone have a crutch? This is fascinating. The things in which people focus their happiness. People. Possessions. Food. Drugs. Cigarettes. Sex.

Focus: Donna says when she's upset, it helps to look at the situation and say: why am I upset? And find a reason. And fix the problem. But what if that is just a crutch? Just a way to make sadness make sense. A way to make happiness possible by focusing it on one thing: just fix this problem. When I drank coffee, it was: if I�m sad or tired, I�ll just have a cup of coffee. That�s all it is, I just haven't had my coffee today. Ah, that's better.

Anne Carson says: "It is my belief that women like to be given a task in the middle. Don't worry about putting up the tent, just hold this pole. Just fill this pail. Just chop this onion. Just collect sticks all this size."