"it's the only thing i ever did that changed who i was all the time. it's insidious," said n. i didn't know what she meant then, but i think i do now. "our self destructive urges," says donna. it's spring! time to do things that no one else understands.
today in my humanities class, we were talking about mrs. dalloway, and i recited part of to the lighthouse from memory, because it was related to the point i was trying to make. i can't believe i was able to remember it without fucking it up from being so nervous. i'm such a nerdy bad-ass.
"one shrunk to being oneself... a wedge-shaped core of darkness, something invisible to others... When life sank down for a moment, the range of experience seemed limitless... our apparitions, the things you know us by, are simply childish. Beneath it is all dark, it is all spreading, it is unfathomably deep; but now and again we rise to the surface and that is what you see us by."
when i was done some boy said, "that was some nice poetry." and i was like, "actually, it really was a quote from the book." and the professor said, "well, i'm not sure that's exactly how it was written." but it was! i left out some phrases in the middle, but the parts i quoted were exact. i don't take quotes lightly. no one recognizes my greatness.
i don't like mrs. dalloway as much as i liked to the lighthouse, although i haven't finished it yet. my professor kept pushing the idea that the parties and social gatherings arranged by the main character are celebratory rites that facilitate communication between the other charactors. she seemed to be getting a positive read of the book. i guess i keep thinking of to the lighthouse, but what i always notice in woolf's writing is the fundamental inablity to portray oneself to others, or to truly connect: the inadequacy of communication. the characters always seem to be drowning in themselves and just barely poking an arm above the surface to try to communicate these vastly complex emotions and thoughts that are constantly running through their minds. that's why i like that quote.
"So that is marriage, Lily thought, a man and a woman looking at a girl throwing a ball. That is what Mrs Ramsay tried to tell me wearing a green shawl, and they were standing close together watching Prue and Jasper throwing catches. And suddenly the meaning which, for no reason at all, as perhaps they are stepping out of the Tube or ringing a doorbell, descends on people, making them symbolical, making them representative, came upon them, and made them in the dusk standing, looking, the symbols of marriage, husband and wife. Then, after an instant, the symbolical outline which transcended the real figures sank down again, and they became, as they met them, Mr and Mrs Ramsay watching the children throwing catches. But still for a moment, though Mrs Ramsay greeted them with her usual smile and said, 'I have triumphed tonight,' meaning that for once Mr Bankes had agreed to dine with them and not run off to his own lodging where his man cooked vegetables properly; still, for one moment, there was a sense of things having been blown apart, of space, of irresponsibility as the ball soared high, and they followed it and lost it and saw the one star and the draped branches. In the failing light they all looked sharp-edged and ethereal and divided by great distances."