full moon again yesterday. i wandered around in the dark on acid & thought about how i am geometric. hands make triangles. yoga postures, lines extending outwards. the difference between being or appearing, showing or telling. meta meta meta. people who show what they love and people who are what they love. outside/inside. dichotomy. structuralism. i can't stand it, it almost makes sense and then melts away. the pattern.

i think i am starting to get my sex drive back, which makes me happy, although i have no one to touch. i missed wanting to. i used to have a lot of sex all the time and like it and then i stopped liking it for a long time, almost a year. i wonder what changed. i can tell because everyone i know just became vaguely more attractive, my housemates' friends and people i see on the street and in class. damn.

donna's friend m. drove us around portland last night and i convinced him to stop in the middle of the fremont bridge so i could take pictures. you can't walk across it because it's a freeway bridge so i've never had the chance before. he was all for it because he's trying to pee off all the bridges in portland. so he pulled off onto the shoulder and i took frantic pictures while he peed. it was exhilerating because it's so high up and there's an amazing view. we made plans to climb up the steel bridge sometime too, on the stairs that go up the sides.

later f. came over and said he almost got shot at a party over drugs, but he and n. had gotten out before anything happened. but then he got a phone call and found out it was just a misunderstanding, the people were trying to jump someone else with the same name and there was confusion. after he left a fight broke out. the people wanted him to come back, but n. was too scared. f. was so coked up he had to calm down for a while, which ended up being until 5 am when we kicked him out so we could sleep. but i had some good conversations with n.

some other weird things happened that i can't talk about, but it's strange because it was a full moon again. the last full moon was when elly tried to kill herself. she's ok now, kind of. she was pretty psychotic before it happend--hearing voices and having delusions--and she hasn't gotten better, but we don't think she has any brain damage from the pills.