my week off, day 2. when i wake up on days with no obligations i like to turn on the classical station and eat breakfast in my pajamas and read for a long time. i'm lazy. it looks really nice outside but i'm taking my time. it reminds me of my parents' house and being little. on weekends they always listen to npr or the classical station and sit around reading the paper and drinking tea forever. it makes this apartment feel like home, like it has a history.
my mom sent me "the noonday demon: an atlas of depression". it sounded really good in the nytimes review so i'm reading it. andrew solomen, the author, is an extremely good writer. i've never been depressed but it's interesting and makes me think of my (depressed) friends in a new way. reading something that flows is like taking a warm bath.
yesterday i did laundry for the 2nd time since august, and there are clean shirts hanging in the closet. when did i start wearing so much black?? i took a walk through ladd's addition and looked at roses and tryed not to stare creepily at little kids running around. they should have some kind of little kids viewing area so people who don't have kids can watch them. not in a pervert way, just becuase watching kids play makes me happy. but when i stand there staring their parents might think i'm crazy.
this is day 3 of no coke & i've noticed 2 things: i have really strange dreams, and i've been sleeping more (which might just be because i don't have to wake up for class). but besides that i feel fine. i was expecting much worse, since the last few days i was doing a lot, at least by my standards--first to finish schoolwork and then to 'party' with the neighbors (i usually don't have time to 'party', and it's not really my thing).
i also haven't had caffeine for almost 2 months, not even tea or soda. i had some of dave's root beer yesterday because i didn't know it was caffeinated, and it made me feel really agitated and my heart beat fast. i guess i used to like that feeling.
here's my theory about coke: it's the only drug that gives you a feeling that you can have without a drug. for those of you who haven't tried it, imagine a time when you were really excited and happy. maybe the last day of school, or talking to someone you have a crush on, or before your band plays a show. that's how coke makes you feel, exactly. except you'll feel it whether you're around friends, alone, with people who normally annoy you, or whenever. that's why when people first try it they're surprised that it's so 'weak', they're expecting it to be really strong since they've heard it's so addictive. it just gives you a feeling you could have normally, and so people always say 'i can't tell if i feel it' but suddenly they're just a little bit more energized, and they don't even realize it.
the people who have problems are the ones who forget how to have that feeling without coke. the people who have the worst problems are the ones who forgot how to have that feeling long before they ever tried coke.
if you keep it under control it's ok, but it's easy to slip... it's so insidious, it creeps up on you. it only lasts half an hour and it doesn't make you fucked up, just one can't hurt, right? but i've watched so many people center their entire lives around it, sell their belongings, never think about anything else. it's sad. i guess people would get that way about cigarettes or alcohol too, if they were expensive and illegal. i guess anything addictive kind of creeps up on you. but with coke it replaces a feeling that you should be having all the time, sober, that feeling of being alive and real. if you get really good coke it makes you so high you feel like you're in love, but with what?
love, becky (mystic of almost nothing)