when we're lying in bed holding each other and i get up to use the bathroom or whatever, he clutches at me tighter and shakes his head and says, "no!" and i have to detangle myself to get out of bed.
once he said, half asleep, "whenever you leave, it's so hard to find you again."
i could say the same for him.
he left this morning, until sunday. now i will see what it's like without him, for the future. the future. i am so bad at bearing temporary separation. i can't even imagine 5 days into the future. this morning he woke up at 7 to get his things ready, then he got back in bed with me. i said, "are you going to come back?" he said yes, laughing. i said, "everything will be different then. everything changes so fast." he said, "what will be different?" and i said, "i don't know yet. but 5 days is such a long time. anything could happen." he said, "i'll come back. so you be here." i said, "i'll stay in this exact place until you get back." half asleep under the covers.
but i got up. i have to sell more books to buy food and klonopin. i might have a yard sale on saturday, and give the rest of my stuff away, besides a few things. our eviction is for october 29th. we're going to rent a storage space and put our stuff in there (me, donna, sam, and dave's stuff he left here last year). then donna and sam are going to california to petition. so i will either go with them or stay here on people's couches, during november, while boy is away on his extended visit home, then we will see what happens, meeting in california or some other state.
he is moving to spain. sometime after christmas. and i am going too, although it seems rather unreal. i asked him last night and he said, "well, do you want to go?" and i said, "of course!" i told him it's been my dream to live in spain for so long that i almost gave up on it. at this point in my life it was only in the back of my mind. but an opportunity to actually do it -- how can i pass that up?
but all of this scares me -- i'm not ready to renounce my possessions. it's so comforting to have this room that's mine with all my things around me. they will all go in boxes and i won't see them for a long, long time. my photo albums, art, books, random objects. i need to detatch myself from the need to possess things. i keep looking around my room thinking, what am i going to do without this comfort, this home? what will i do without these constant references to my identity? i can pull out my photos at any time to remind myself of who i am. i can find my favorite books and look at the parts i underlined. i can buy plants when boys leave. create life out of life.
but as i was thinking about how un-ready i am to live without my belongings, i thought -- when are we ever really ready to do anything? ... if you waited until you were completely prepared for every event, nothing would ever happen. you just have to jump in. feet first, as sam says, two feet in. JUST RUN WITH IT! this is all birth pangs.
so, if you live in portland, i have a few offers for you:
1. does anyone want some plants? i have about 15, from small, to large beautiful trees, and i would love for them to go to a good home. i will miss my trees more than anything.
2. if you have a couch or some closet or gutter i could sleep in for a few days, that would be great. i am quiet and love doing dishes and cleaning!
feel free to email me about these things whether you know me or not! i am nearing the limit of what i can endure.
but not paying rent, i should be able to continue making money, and save it, for traveling and plane tickets and life. i have never done this before. it's all very exciting and scary, like jumping off a cliff, suspended by IDEA in space.