"10/10/03
at the party
doing coke, drinking vodka straight, standing on the deck with [boy] smoking, recreating the first time we saw each other [at the last party i went to]. I walked out of the room and walked back in and tried to look at him the way I first looked at him�flash�then we walked past each other, eyes locked, almost touching. [like we did that time]

i�m kind of drunk & coked out. [boy] is beautiful. we had sex right before we came here. we don�t have much time.

drinking straight vodka and standing shivering in his arms on the porch. smoking. kissing.

I read �the love song of j. alfred prufrock� out loud and everyone stayed quiet. I am in love so much. I have no idea what is happening � BE HERE NOW. he said, �you give yourself so openly, freely� or something.
i want more coke. i did not do heroin today. when i walked in, all these reedies. ryan was very happy to see me. he was friendly.
all these reedies I used to look at in class and never talked to. strange.

sex and cocaine. is what [boy] needs. we decided.

LOVE & people talking.
people I don�t know.

drinking. doing coke on the porch in the cold. what a dream.�

when i wrote that i was sitting on a chair in the middle of a bunch of people talking. the host was handing me lines of coke on a book. i haven�t done that in a while. we were among the select few among the guests, or something. i guess because of things we did for the hosts back in the day. it�s strange to be the one beckoned away to the porch. watch out, the neighbors might see. i took lots of pictures of donna and sam and boy in the kitchen.

when we got home i got under the covers because i was freezing cold and instantly passed out. i woke up this morning with an awful headache. we stayed in bed until 3, then we went out and got breakfast and coffee. then we had sex for a long time. it was exquisite. i can�t believe that i forgot that i like sex. i guess it all depends on having the right person. we stare into each other�s eyes. with other people i would close my eyes. but we look right at each other, sometimes smiling, usually just looking. it�s entrancing.

then we went and sold more of my books so we could buy groceries, and we made a delicious dinner. baked brie with cranberries and pecans, melted, spread on rosemary baguette. i like to sit and watch him talk about good food. i never think about food usually. he is teaching me the pleasures of eating good food.

and tea. no matter how poor we get, we always have tea. sam and donna and i drink endless cups all day. i remember this thing i read about the british, when they started getting tea from india and they loved it so much�people who were too poor to buy tea would put bread crusts in boiling water to simulate the color. tea is magic.

he is out doing things now. whenever he�s away i start getting this sense of imminent doom. because he is leaving soon, i don�t know when, for i don�t know how long. and we are leaving this apartment, and donna and sam might go back to california. i have no idea what i�m going to do. when he is here i don�t have time to worry about it. i want to put all my things in storage or sell them, and not have to pay rent any more. maybe i can float around.

my immense book collection is slowly dwindling in proportion to my need to eat. but i can�t bear to part with my greek sculpture books, glossy art books that i could get a lot of money for. but my memory of that class is so beautiful. i have to keep those books although i have no idea what use i have for them.

you get brighter every day and every time i see you. scattered brightness in your way and you taught me how to love you. and i know you belong to everybody but you can�t deny that i�m you.