i�m sitting here eating peanut butter... mmm... reading this book �be here now.� it tells me to be here now. very interesting. it has pretty pictures, too. his shoes are sitting by the door, his shaving things are in the bathroom, his things are scattered around, but he is not here. but i am here. now. i am here now. in this moment. no past or future, just like i suspected. in the eternal moment before everything becomes real. like that rushing sound right before you come out of a dream. i�m right there. because everything is about to change. every day i think that, and it does. stranger than that� we�re alive!
last night he and i went to powell�s and we split up and found our stacks of things to read, and when i went to the cafe room he was sitting there with books and a cup of coffee, and told me he�d bought me a cup of coffee, i just had to go to the counter and get it. so i went to the counter and said, �someone bought me coffee and i�m here to get it� and they gave it to me. how classy is that? pretty classy. i was wearing my gray skirt and black stockings and i read about yoga and fractals...
then he went somewhere and said he�d come back and i said, �are you sure? you can tell me if you�re not coming back� and he said, really, he was. but he didn�t. he called at 3 am to tell me. i feel somewhat personally responsible. maybe if i really believed. maybe i made it happen.
but today i did laundry and donna and i went out & it was fun, although i am really cold. we have no heat.
oh, joanie and lance are visiting from minneapolis. they happened to come at the worst possible time. but i wandered around with them some, by the river, and to downtown. i wish i were a better hostess. no i don�t. i do wish i had more room for them to sleep in. right now i think they�re hanging out with c., watching a movie? or something. i have no idea. lance has been selling his book on the street & i fed him some complementary dxm, which he enjoyed. read his blog.
i won�t need to kiss you when we�re there. all will be one. i am the bliss of the universe.
�[love] is the method of merging in the ultimate union though the heart. it is dualistic in the sense that one experiences love at first in relation to something separate from oneself. the goal, however, is non-dualistic in the sense that the ultimate state is one in which the lover and beloved merge in One... it is only too easy to get so much bliss from the dualistic stages that one cannot leave the separateness to proceed to the unitive stage.�
�for when you say �I fell in love� with him or her you are saying that he or she was the key that unlocked your heart�the place within yourself where you are in love... at best we can try to possess the key to our hearts�our beloved�but sooner or later we find that even that is impossible. to possess the key is to lose it.�
it is a tribe lost by finding it. like desire.
you and i can always starve together.
tonight donna and sam and i are going to a special party. just a small number of select people. and a hot tub! i am excited. and this music sounds like some church far away on a hill. i wonder what�s going to happen, today, in the next few weeks, months. everything is so up in the air, it�s so far up in the air i can�t even see it anymore.
he told me i looked like fresh fruit. like a fresh tomato. smooth skin and sweet fresh with a little bite. i say he is glowing, his face is glowing, oh my dear.
for my delight.