a few days of heaven. walking to the twilight cafe for �breakfast� at 3 pm, bloody marys and pancakes and eggs and valium. i wear the hat. first my cowboy name was jane, now it�s trigger. �that�s a horse�s name!� said nico. but trigger it is. walking slowly back, climbing across fences and train tracks, calling cats, looking at trees and strange houses. he lay down on the sidewalk for 15 minutes to listen to the birds. i stood above him. someone came out of their house saying, �is everything ok?� i said, �yeah, we�re fine.� boy said, grinning, �you wouldn�t even know.� at a garage sale i bought a red silk victoria�s secret negligee for $2 and modeled it at home. �come on, we don�t have that much time� before i had to go...

he quit his job. freedom. he cooked breakfast and i made tea. then we wandered, took pictures, i bought 3 cds: syd barrett �the madcap laughs,� calexico �spoke,� and the incredible string band �wee tam/ the big huge�. we wandered around laurelhurst park and took pictures and ran into nico and rebecca sitting on a bench. got photos developed at fred meyer. the pictures of me on the kitchen table are amazing. i should scan them. pictures of sam driving the van across the fremont bridge yelling. then we drank coffee and looked at jack kerouac books at powell�s. soon we�re going to the 10:10 show of �28 days later� at the baghdad, if you want to spy on me/ say hi.

i walk into the room, kneel in front of him sitting in my chair and kiss him smiling. he says, �it�s so nice to have someone happy to see me!� he says the strangest things sometimes. �what are you going to do if i fall in love with you?� he asked again yesterday. i asked him the same thing and he just kissed my hair a lot. today we were trying to think of secrets to tell each other. our deepest fears. neither of us usually talks about fears to people. i don�t think we actually told any yet.

you can celebrate anything you want.

i decided the only things worth buying are clothes and cds. i already have too many books to read. and i have to be ready to leave at a moment�s notice. i have too many belongings. but clothes and cds you can take with you. to mexico. to spain. or new zealand. or romania. fly by night.

i have never had so many people so near me that i love so much. i can count 3 right now. all living with me at the moment, in my little glowing apartment that will soon be gone... and some others too, people i don�t know quite as well but i hope to... walking to the edge and just falling off, arms outstretched, smiling into the sun.