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hey pretty pretty 17 October 2003 - 1:25 am
yesterday i was sitting in our neighbor's house, on the second floor, looking out the window, and all of a sudden i saw familiar people.. donna and sam came out of our house, wheeling a bike. they were going to sell donna's bike at citybikes. i watched them bringing the bike out, they were laughing, and i felt such a strong love, looking through the glass. i yelled "hi!" and waved, and donna waved back. two people i love who love each other.
i watched them stand there talking and laughing. they put the bike in the van. it struck me how happy they looked, laughing, it was so beautiful. even though they were going to sell her bike because they need money, and everything is chaos, and it was lightly raining, i could see them so happy and glowing and i smiled. the cat was next to me and i turned my head and the cat turned his head and we kissed. i kept watching them until they pulled away in the van. in the green portland autumn rain. it reminded me of when i was 16 and gabe was about to leave for spain. we were over at brent's house, and gabe and brent went out on the balcony to smoke a cigarette. i was on the couch inside, and i watched them through the glass. gabe was wearing a nice sweater and he was smiling and glowing and i watched the two of them talk and laugh but i couldn't hear the words because the sliding doors were closed. there was music playing, i don't remember what, but i watched and thought how much i loved gabe, and that he would soon be gone, and it all seemed like a dream, watching the two of them in slow motion with the trees in the background. i still have that image burned in my mind. gabe's smile looking into the sunlight, through the glass, silently. i don't miss my boy as much as i thought i would. i'm surprised. it's good, though. i feel free and peaceful. i don't feel lonely or empty. when i wake up in the morning i wish he were sleeping next to me. besides that it doesn't cross my mind very much. so it won't be that bad when i don't see him for a month or two. and he will be back in three days. today joanie's friend dina came over and took a bunch of the clothes i don't want, a teapot, box of chalk, shoulder bag, and lots of books. i realized that i can give away almost everything i own in this apartment. it feels good. and i found people who want my plants! sometimes when i close my eyes i have visions. just now i was lying in bed with my eyes closed and suddenly i realized i was watching a vision. it was a group of joyful people, outside. i don't know what they were doing. as soon as i realized it was a vision it disappeared and i couldn't bring it back. it was a lovely scene, though. this is my cousin julia. isn�t she beautiful?
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