then the van broke down in centralia. after we had lunch it wouldn�t start, not even close, just clicking when he turned the key. we walked all over centralia in the sun, getting the battery recharged, trying to jump start several times. luckily he had his toolkit, since all his belongings were in the van. the van is a little �tricky.� for example, to open the hood, you have to hold a lever and pound on a certain part of the hood with your hand... you have to pound really hard. it�s tricky. once we couldn�t get it open for almost 10 minutes, i was just pounding on that spot until i thought my hand would fall off. we were considering settling down in centralia.

but finally we got the battery working, after 3 hours, and we didn�t have to spend a cent. when the engine turned over i was jumping up and down with joy. we didn�t turn the van off until we were parked in front of my house. the funny part was that even though it was awful, spending 3 hours in centralia trying to fix a piece of shit van was kind of fun....

here is what i wrote in my diary last night when i was a little drunk at his brother�s house:

�september 30 2003 somewhere near seattle
she is yelling. his brother�s girlfriend. she is totally insane. today we drove here from portland with all of his stuff. we spent the day packing and carrying heavy boxes. he warned me about the girlfriend but nothing could prepare me for this. she is drunk and totally insane. she really likes me. she just told me she loves me. and that i remind her of her at this age. she keeps kissing me. experience is so strange. what brought me to this specific place, sitting in this chair with her singing along to bad music. her pets are really friendly. i�ve been drinking straight whiskey from the bottle. [boy] is so beautiful. on the way down he kept grabbing my arm. when he was sitting by me she said, �what are you going to do without him?� and he turned to me and said, �yeah, what are you going to do without me?� and i thought �fuck i have no idea� but i said, �that�s not the question, the question is what are you going to do without me?�

she told me not to waste 30 years. she started crying. i told her that i don�t believe in wasting time, that i just got over heroin addiction but i don�t even think that was a waste of time. then she said, �that�s what i want to do. heroin.� what the fuck. she�s never done it before and i doubt she ever will. i tried to tell her it�s evil. but i want some right this second. anyway. [boy] and his brother are in the room with the computer. it�s too cold in there. i�m kind of drunk on the whiskey. i took a few gulps that burned my throat. she said [brother] told her i would like the junk room. so she took me there, it�s where she keeps her old beading stuff. i guess she�s an old hippie. she kept telling me how cute i was, hugging me, and told [boy] he didn�t deserve me. the way he looks at me is electric. on the way down here, how he looks at me and smiles. i have no idea what�s going on. but right now it�s wonderful. didn�t i say this once before? she�s yelling again. i�m really cold. i feel so good, or something, being exposed to this. so strange. he did warn me, i guess. i just had this memory flash of shooting up outside the hot springs in ogden utah with c. what a clear memory.

�angry? no, never until after.�
this phrase has been going through my head for days. i don�t know why. i think it�s from anne carson.

now she�s dancing.
i am in love. cast at sea.
my hair is in french braids.�

my thoughts were kind of scattered. it�s funny to read things like that the next day.

now i�m wearing this hat, drinking tea, wearing a red skirt.

i said �want to go to new zealand?� and he said, �sure!�

time moves so slowly for me now. but it�s because my life has been accelerating. the result is that my subjective experience of time is elongated. because everything happens so quickly, changes so much, i feel like i�m a new person every day.