september 26 2003 donna's room 4:37 pm
listening to weird music by william burroughs. drinking kava kava/ yerba mate prepared by sam. i'm wearing purple and i have a feather tied to the ribbon hanging from my neck.

this is why we turn away.
9/28/03
i�m sitting on the street outside his building on a kitchen table. we�re trying to sell his furniture. he�s moving out.
this morning the manager came in to show his apartment to someone right after we woke up. then we went out for breakfast and joked about how we could use me to sell his things and his apartment. �look at this hot girl i scored with my bachelor pad. don�t you want to live here?� he said, �from now on i just want you draped in a thin sheet.� we thought of all kinds of interesting ways to market the table/me. it�s a nice chrome table and the red matches my red skirt, and i was draping myself across it in balthus-esque poses. this street is really busy and i�ve been getting some strange looks. i�m also wearing this black crochet top that should be worn with something underneath but it�s fun not to.

after I wrote that, we sat out there for a few hours. he found some interesting drugs while packing so we ate them, but they didn�t do much. it was glowy sunny and sunset-y. some people bought things but no one bought the lovely table so we brought it back inside when the sun was setting and ate more drugs. he got really high (it was funny) but i barely felt anything. he gave me his friend�s number in case something �happened to him.�

but, half undressed, just wearing my red skirt and his straw hat, i started posing on the table and he took pictures of me. i�m pretty strong right now � i�ve been doing lots of sit-ups and yoga � and all that practice really pays off when you�re half naked half upside down on a kitchen table. i don�t know if i can even describe the best one.. i was doing a backbend off the edge of the table. my feet flat on the edge of the table, knees bent, my body bent over, hands on the ground. like a handstand with my feet on the table and hands on the ground. we were both like, holy shit, and i held it until he focused the camera and took a picture. then i lifted my body back up. i should be in cirque de soleil.

he already sold his bed so we just played in the mess of red and white blankets on the floor listening to calexico. with other people, there�s always this place where they fall short a little, where i realize they�re � human? not perfect? but with him it never ends. i keep reaching for that place, almost just so i can ground myself, but i never find it, it just keeps going. there is no line i come to or place where the dream ends or place where i can step back and say, ok, this is reality. we could just kiss forever. he put the mexican hat back on me and we played with each other�s lips.

when he had to leave, for some dinner thing, he said, �i want to do that again.� �what?� �all of it. starting from when we brought the table in.� i just laughed.

he took me home this morning. it�s cold and gray today and i felt a little let down when i came back. donna and sam are sleeping, it�s cold, the house is a mess, there�s no more food or toilet paper because we don�t have any money left, etc. maybe i�ll go sell some books. just wing it.

i have this thing about light. i always feel 10 times better in a bright room. i don�t mind cloudy days but when it�s cloudy and i�m in a dark room... so i turned all the lights on and put on lots of sweaters and now i feel better. it�s freezing in here. our landlord disconnected our radiators but she hasn�t installed the new heating yet.

oh, right after i wrote that my landlord knocked and said she�s evicting us. we have until october 29. because she found a cigarette butt near the porch and no one is supposed to smoke on the premises or property because she�s a fucking nazi. my boy told me we could call renter�s rights and that she has no legal right to do this, but we�re so sick of her shit that we�re just going to leave anyway. maybe find a place in NE for all of us that has a bit more room. i guess boy will be staying with me once he moves out of his place. he is in transition. i have this urge to sell a lot of my things now, so it will be easier to move. simplify.

the wind makes me sing. look how many women i am! i just picked up my bike from citybikes (i painstakingly saved $129 for it), and it�s a work of fucking art. they put on silver fenders, a rack, new handlebar tape, a new seat, and the best part ----- front and back lights that are powered by the movement of the back wheel! no batteries! totally mechanical illumination system!! then i went to laughing horse books for another �i love my bike� sticker (i had one on my old bike when it got stolen. i just want to know who has the heart to steal a bike that has an �i love my bike� sticker on it. no fucking heart at all.) but the bookstore didn�t have a sticker. so i raced back down division in my perfect red bike, the smoothest fucking bike i�ve ever ridden, like flying.

now we�re in high gear. sam knows someone who can find us a nice place. we just have to raise enough money for rent and a deposit. and he has a van to move our stuff. what a dream. we�ve lived in this beautiful place for more than 2 years and i will be sad to go but i think we�ve milked every drop of life out of these walls. when i told donna and sam we were getting evicted, everything became darkly humorous and we chainsmoked in donna�s room and plotted. you know, no matter how many cigarettes i smoke i never get addicted.

i am leading a double, triple life. you have no idea. look how many women i am.