he showed up at my door while i was making tea at midnight and i was so surprised. he seemed a little surprised too. thrill.

before that, though, i saw calexico at the aladdin, and it was the best show i've seen for so long. the trumpet players were fresh out of argentina or somewhere, and they were fucking brilliant, even better than on the recording. the energy was intense. calexico captures a part of my world so perfectly i can hardly believe it. i went with c., and we were both being silly and making fun of each other about everything.. we relived our summer of driving around the desert listening to calexico, shooting up in the car next to red rock and pinion trees... we were like, yeah, that was great (for a short time). heh heh.

during the opening band i wrote this in my diary (in complete darkness):
"we just went to see the birds in NW, me, sam, donna. i thought boy was going to meet us there but i guess we missed each other cause there was a message when i got home... i hate stuff like that. then i left with c. for this show. i took half a klonopin. i didn't have any for 2 days and i wasn't going to today but i felt so shitty i was considering asking him to get some dope so i figured k was better than that. i just have no faith in the future. i need to change that.

but just now i started feeling better, i guess my anxiety is subsiding a little. the things he wrote, and said -- i really should have no doubts. i wonder what will happen. donna's psychic and she said i'd see him today. it's so strange to feel like this for the second time. it makes up for the pain, really. i remember when dxm told me i was going to fall in love (here) i didn't believe it, i guess i forgot how wonderful it is. one thing is for sure -- i will see him again. probably tonight. and i need to study and work on faith/trusting. god i can't wait to see him it's so ridiculous. i saw him friday morning. it's monday night. so what really gets me isn't the time but the uncertainty. communication block.

i can't believe i almost did heroin because we missed each other at the birds. that really is why. and that is so borderline. impulse control in time of distress approaches zero. it's funny cause with everything else i'm 10 times more levelheaded than anyone i've ever known. but find me a boy i really like and rationality and stability go out the window. after all those months of depression, losing donna, hating everything, etc etc, this was the first time i actually almost did it. great. and it wasn't even manipulation -- i wasn't going to tell anyone."

that's when calexico started playing. then i really wanted to get up and dance but it was one of those moments when self-consciousness triumphed over desire.

i've been reading dave's "skills training manual for borderline personality disorder," one of the many books he left here when he ran away to michigan. i don't think i actually have the disorder, but when i'm in love, i come really close to meeting the criteria. either way, parts of the book are really helpful. staying in the wise mind. the wise mind is between the reasonable mind and the emotion mind.

"emotion mind can be very beneficial. intense love fills history books... intense love (or hate) has fueled wars. intense devotion or desire motivates staying with very hard tasks, sacrificing oneself for others, etc. A certain amount of emotion mind is desirable. Borderline individuals have more than most."

ah yes, living in extremes. too much is never enough. sounds familiar. then they talk about how to have effective interactions with others without being totally insane (in more technical terms) and how to regulate emotions. it's so strange. i'm always the most sane person around, the person who, when everything goes wrong, is saying "hey, it's ok, it's not a big deal. who cares." but heaven forbid i don't know exactly when i'll see him again. let's do heroin! jesus christ.

i think it's getting better, though. awareness is key. it took me by surprise at first. now i have my little manual i can check. impulsive, self-destructive behavior is not ok, becky.

i wrote this on august 27 "i decided to stop taking my birth control pills. i started taking them 5 years ago, and every time i stop taking them temporarily, i meet someone immediately who i fall in love with or want to sleep with. donna and sam think it's not just a coincidence. and i ran out, and have no spare income to buy more. so we'll see if my personality changes from not having hormones every day. or if i meet some amazing new boy. ha."

strange, isn't it? now i don't know if i should start taking them again or what. my sex drive came back after being missing for about 2 years, but since i stopped taking the pill, had several major life changes, and met this boy, all at the same time, i have no idea what affected me. not being on the pill is annoying, though. boys get scared.