meanwhile sam has been teaching me many things. he is infinitely wise and knows how to make magic tea out of chinese herbs. last night he filled our glasses over and over and said it would heal us. maybe it did. we listened to a selection of five or six songs by syd barret, bob dylan, and the string band. on repeat. for hours. while we told stories and drank magic tea and i laughed till i thought i would die.

from my paper diary:

when boys leave i start buying plants. after gabe left the first time, my room was like a jungle suddenly. i had more than 20 plants crowding the windowsills. but there wasn't enough light in that little room to sustain the kind of life i was trying to create. they all died, one by one. other boys leaving have also caused me to buy plants, but never in such volume. after brannon left i bought my kumquat tree. after todi left i bought a plant that is now in the kitchen, it's huge. another time gabe left i bought my fig tree.

on friday at fred meyer i was eying these huge palms they were giving away for only $15, but i was too broke. the leaves towered above my head, though! i don't know where i would put a plant that big.

the other pattern i used to notice was that when i was with gabe my favorite color was purple. when we would break up my favorite color was green. and i would buy green or purple clothes depending on the situation. right now i really like red. what does that mean?

but i didn't buy the palm tree.

i am infinite space, and the infinite stars... bind nothing, let there be no difference made between any one thing and any other thing; for thereby cometh hurt. for i am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union. this is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of dissolution all.

i am the blue-lidded daughter of sunset; i am the naked brilliance of the voluptuous night sky.