well, that really was a psychotic adventure. I don�t think I need to do that ever again.

the problem is, I can�t seem to find a middle ground. here�s what I�ve come up with:

1. I can be perfectly ok forever being alone (i.e. not in a relationship) (before he came along i preferred being alone). I love myself, I love my life, etc, etc, etc. I am a happy, stable, person.

2. I can also be happy being in love with him. If I believe I will see him again.

The problem is: when he writes me an email that can be interpreted many different ways, for some reason I cannot believe that I will ever see him again. I can barely even convince myself that I�m being irrational. Donna says I�m being irrational, and she knows me, and she knows him. So I guess I am. I just don�t believe it.

But regardless, in order to avoid pain I have to just say: ok, I�m never going to see him again, that�s fine. And that was when I was ok again. So as of right now, it�s over (in my mind), and I�m feeling great! I rode my bike all over the place today, to Powell�s, and read, and wrote, and bought a record by the Incredible String Band. And this hippie on the sidewalk as I was drifting by said, �Has anyone ever told you you�re beautiful?� And I said, �Not today!� And he gave me a string of compliments and I smiled at him a lot because I was really happy and the wind was blowing my hair around as I unlocked my bike.

So I feel great. But I don�t like this black and white thing. I should be able to maintain my feelings for him even when I have no idea when I�ll see him again. Right? Maybe right? I don�t even know.

It�s like, when he writes me this email and then I don�t hear from him for three days, my ability to believe in him dwindles really fast. Maybe if I had some kind of sign, some figment of an idea of what he was thinking or doing at the moment, I could continue to be in love with him without having a �meltdown� (as Donna so eloquently stated yesterday).

He did leave a message on my machine today, after I�d left. People always come back when you stop needing them to. So now I have this faint sense that I may see him again? But it isn�t in my heart, it�s in my head, and it doesn�t feel real at all. Maybe because I spent the majority of our time together either drunk or on klonopin and my memory is a little hazy. I can�t convince myself that the future exists.

blah blah blah. so yeah, it�s back to january again: me and Sam and Donna having a spiritual awakening every 5 seconds in this apartment. boy? what boy? am I still getting married? of course I am! it all makes perfect sense. and i haven�t even taken any drugs today!

after i got back from Powell�s, Nico called and i had coffee with him over on clinton st. i like him a lot. he is one of our tribe. he�s actually more similar to Donna than he is to me, but she�s still really sick. so we talked for a long time, and then we were going to go see the birds in NW but he didn�t have his car and Sam had to go visit his dying mother again. but the four of us have a date for tomorrow to go see the birds. and Calexico is tomorrow too. luckily we bought Calexico tickets 2 weeks ago when we still had money.

in other news... i can do push-ups now! i finally strengthened my stomach muscles enough to keep my body from caving in. my arms were already strong enough. i�ve never been able to do real push ups before. now i can do about 10. yay.

�Have you ever asked yourselves enough how dearly the erection of every ideal on earth has exacted its payment? ... So that a sanctuary can be erected, a sanctuary must be shattered: that is the law.�

�...But someday, in a stronger time than this decaying, self-doubting present, he really must come to us, the redeeming human of the great love and contempt, the creative spirit whose compelling strength again and again drives him out of any apart or beyond, whose loneliness is misunderstood by the people as if it were a flight from reality--: whereas it is only his submersion, burial, absorption in reality so that one day, when he again comes to light, he can bring home the redemption of this reality... this bell-stroke of noon and of the great decision, that makes the will free again.�