yesterday we went to the coast. i love the ocean, and the oregon coast landscape is so huge and looming and desolate. we climbed all over cliffs above the sea, through thorny red and green brambles and beach grass, higher to some even more spectacular sheer drop-off, i tiptoed to the edge and pretended to fling myself off. we were standing on the edge of an actual cliff when he grabbed me and kissed me, beneath an old craggy tree. "sometimes you come to an edge that just breaks off" literally and figuratively, in my mind where anne carson quotes float by constantly.

then to more rocky outcroppings, to a point sticking way out in the sea, surrounded by the long procession of waves coming in, the water churning, a plain of blue and green and white patterns. i found three white feathers and stuck them in my ponytail so they stuck up above my head. i slid down more dirt all the way down from the cliffs and scrambled over huge black boulders to the beach, hopping from rock to rock in a dream. when i run around in wilderness for long enough, i transform.

i gathered shells, deep blue and white (donna said they're mussels), sticking the sandy salty shells into the pockets of my hoodie with the driftwood and pebbles. wiping salt and dirt on my pants. trying to take pictures of the spray against a rock, i got too close and a wave threw a mist of drops at me. walking in a trance along the rocky shore. there was a huge piece of driftwood, the trunk of some old tree, dry and white, sitting on the beach. i found five large smooth black rocks and piled them up, one by one, like a tower, on one of its twisted branches. a beach sculpture. it started raining and i nestled under the overhang of one of the huge boulders, crouching in the sand listening to my breath and the rain on the rocks. all the while taking pictures, inadequate but necessary.

when it was time to go, boy and i found a trail from the beach that was like stepping into an enchanted forest (there i go again, everything has to be a fairy tale...) the trail was lined with exposed gray roots of a huge nearby tree, and surrounded by draping moss and ferns, with tree branches overhead. like a tunnel, a secret place. when we emerged into the open sky, we saw a large herd of elk just standing there. we inched closer and took some pictures. elk are beautiful, walking gracefully and purposefully.

on the way home, i slept on his shoulder and felt like a sea creature with feathers in my hair and shells in my pockets and sand under my fingernails.

at his place, we ate dinner with the friends and then i started to get a little... weird. sometimes klonopin makes my moods volatile. for his privacy, i won't go into the details, but there were issues we hadn't had a chance to talk about properly. the result being that while they watched a movie, i wrote fierce pages in my diary and drew pictures. i wrote a rambling manifesto of sorts, it's actually hilarious, i read it to donna this morning. it�s mostly just me being provoked by a certain (temporary) aspect of the relationship and taking it way too personally. if you want to delve into heretofore unseen aspects of my personality, you can read excerpts of it here. keep in mind, about 5% of it is accurate and true, the rest is me fanning the flames of my insanity.

when he got in bed, i was supercharged in survival mode. i would have left by then but i was hoping we could finally talk, and we did. i'm lucky that he is who he is.. i've been like this before with a boy and instead of resolving it, the boy just made it worse. but we had a very honest conversation for hours, just lying there holding each other. he clarified something that made me sad (he�s leaving for a month or so soon), but mostly he clarified some really good things, made things concrete. i always feel better when i know what's going on, whatever it is. and it was so amazing to have this totally honest, free conversation without fear or manipulation.

for some reason, though, i was really upset. i think it was the shock of going from a reckless, frantic, infatuated type of interaction to a mature, real, truthful one. there was nothing to be upset about... i guess what crushed me was the end of that giddy childishness and that dream feeling. but at the same time, i was glad that underneath the insanity, there was something real, our feelings are real and deep and what's happening is real.. it was like coming out of the dream into reality. but a good reality.

still i started crying, (i think i took too much klonopin and it ruins impulse control). and he told me that nothing he was saying should make me upset. he still wants to get married but we might wait a month or so, which is perfectly reasonable. i guess before i was hoping to do it as soon as possible, just because everything was so magical i wanted to catch it before it flew away. but now i have a real commitment, not just a euphoric ephemeral impulse. at least i think i do. it all makes me a little anxious, maybe because we've only known each other for one and a half weeks.

but as soon as i get over this initial shock... there's something amazing happening. i think this may be my first relationship based on something real, on real honesty, clarity, awareness. the way my insane mood just melted away when we started actually telling each other what we felt. the way to make those moods recur and grow is to gloss over them. eventually they're so ingrained that there's nothing to do but end it. in the past, my relationships have been so manipulative, not even blatantly, but just so many things not being said, something in the heart of the relationship that wasn't truthful.

so i'm hoping and believing that this will be different. i'm almost incredulous that he cares enough to really talk about these things. he is more mature than i thought at first. even if nothing works out the way we/i hope, at least we will have been clear from the very start. it's beautiful.

still, i felt so strange today, like i was in shock from the whole conversation and realization. i talked to donna a lot and i feel better now. i don't think i'll see him until tomorrow or maybe later but (unlike with other boys) i don't mind. i haven�t abandoned myself for him, i have my own life too. i don't feel that emptiness i used to get with gabe... and i'm still on this drive to create. i can't watch a movie or really concentrate on reading, but i've been writing and drawing a lot. i found every drawing i've ever done (that i liked) and ripped them out of whatever diary they were in and nailed them to my walls. trying to minimize the not-by-me art. emphasizing my own creations. i really love all my drawings of coffeecups, flowers, donna, random objects.