September 18 2003 11 pm.

Why do I feel so insecure all the time? Because he won�t show affection around other people? I�m afraid the spark will die. Why am I so in need of physical expressions? I guess I�m always more concentrated on the physical � but Donna is the same way about relationships. It�s funny cause it means nothing whether he loves me or not � the same old game � I lived without him before, but once you have that ONE THING, what the fuck do you do? Meeting new people really was the new heroin, unfortunately. I mean, the way I was acting yesterday was so beyond nonsensical. Fucking borderline and insecure and fucked. Taking drugs to dull the pain. Fucked up. I nodded out on percocet then became inspired to decorate my room. Then he came over right after work and hugged me a lot. He really does care a lot about me. I guess.

[some personal stuff deleted, for his privacy. a temporary situation i was getting upset about] when I asked if we were still getting married, he said yes (confidently) but then said, �Maybe not in two weeks� which is fine as long as he still wants to � this whole situation is starting to make me feel sick. Maybe I should just tell him how worthless I feel when [deleted]? We were sleeping all over each other and holding hands in the car but... wtf. He always has all these fucking visitors and I don�t have a second to talk to him in private. But last week when everything was so magical, will it be the same? I�m in the same stupid mindfuck now � will it be the same?

If I keep writing will it get better or worse? Words of one driven mad by love. I FUCKING HATE WAITING. The other night for the first time I harmed myself on purpose to calm myself down. I dug my nails into my arm and left marks and it did work a little. Good, I�m making progress, self-mutilation is great. Maybe I should go cut myself in the bathroom or snort some of the oxy John sent me. Self-destructive tendencies when the thrill seeking doesn�t work out so well. Where�s my fucking thrill, eh [boy]? Fuck you for keeping me a fucking secret. Wow, I�m really outdoing myself now. Must be the klonopin. Fuck everything.

I am fucking insane. Now he�s sitting in a chair across the room from me and I�m sitting here being totally borderline, writing and ignoring everyone, hoping he�ll notice that I�m upset, but this is exactly what he hates about girls, when they try to control him & etc.

We�re watching some movie but like I said, �Input is irrelevant.� Creation = everything. FUCK. What if I didn�t look at him for the rest of the night? Would he notice? This is so me/Gabe behavior and I could NEVER find a way out of it, for all those years of misery. Maybe when/if there�s a little more stability/finality to our relationship � at least with Gabe I had that. Love should not hurt. Love hurts. There is something extremely wrong with how the world works. �It�s dangerous to love someone too much. LOVE YRSELF.�

CREATE AND YOU WILL HEAL.

I AM THE THING THAT GOES ON.

You know the only solution is to concentrate on yourself. Soon the clues will reappear and the new home will reveal itself. This relationship is so fucked. 4 days ago was so perfect... Well fuck him I�ve done it before and I can do it again, walk away, only think about myself, whatever it takes. Stupid boys. Why won�t he ever just tell me he fucking loves me. I�ll marry you but I can�t tell you I love you, not even fucking drunk. By the way, I�ve always wanted to be in love with an alcoholic. It saves me from having to do it myself. Addiction, vicariously.� Have you been drinking again? I don�t give a shit as long as I can hold you at night. God I�m SO irrational right now. It�s just really fun to write things like this. The really fucking hilarious part is that even yesterday, when I was totally flipping out, I considered heroin and did not want it at all. No escape. Benzos just don�t cut it. The soul rises for many reasons. My soul is a rough and basic one. Heat feelings come from beauty.

I am very proud.

My body goes into rebellion?

Just like Donna said � she�s always a better person trying to get over some boy. The energy pain creates is strong. Should I stay or go? Stay, I guess. Because I may have a chance to talk to him. I love being insane, really, it�s a psychotic adventure! It�s the carnival of my life. Pain/pleasure who gives a fuck as long as you feel something. Any change of state produces the life force. So true.

Lord, forgive him; he knows not what he does. That�s for sure.

Beauty pulls me in the most unhealthy ways. I don�t even know what healthy is anymore. DXM said, �You are about to fall in love� and I�ve lived alone for many years, but nothing replaces the sting of LOVE, for good or ill.

Tomorrow I can leave early and take pictures of Old Town.

His love is irrelevant. Pound that into yourself.

LOVE not FEAR

It�s so strange when you get into this state you don�t even need the fucking cause of your anguish anymore. I am a totally self-contained, self-fulfilling, self-pleasing, self-entertaining entity and I have been for so long. The touch of another human being has meaning but I can almost make it irrelevant. We have 90% of what they have 10% of. Beautiful. Perfect. You can sign too. And you never know what�s going on inside another person�s head; that will never change. Gabe Rodriguez part two.

Love yrself.

Love, Becky

You create what you deny.

You hate what you envy.