i have spent the last 3 nights with the most beautiful, perfect boy in the world. there isn't much else i can say. blinding joy is too pure for words. but i could try. in my notebook i write down everything i can remember that he says to me. i always have this problem, trying to hold onto every last detail. don't let anything slip away. no luxury is endless. that's ok we don't have much time.
love makes you an anthropologist of your own life. what are these ceremonies and why should we take part in them? what is this language we have got backed up into on long worst fire nights like a bad translation? it is important to keep recording the dialect forms, tracking the idioms. yes there is a violence in it.
i keep thinking this is a dream. but it isn't. it just. is not. a dream. he says, i want to draw your eyes so i can just stare at them. he says, i blame matt for not introducing us sooner, and laughs. he is the first boy i've been with who likes my excessive jewelry. he talks about math and my eyes widen. it's unfolding.
my body is in a different physical state. i have been eating one meal a day or less and i'm not hungry. not like when i try to not eat. now i have just stopped needing food. and i was very out shape before, but my muscles aren't sore at all from riding my bike miles every day. and i'm not tired although we never sleep more than 5 hours. wake up smiling. what is this, what is it. i don't think i've felt this since i was 15. the intervening years and intellectual and emotional development make it a lot more intense.
last night we drank wine and flung our clothes at various corners of the room.
but sex is a substitute, like money or language. sometimes i just want to stop seeing.
some of these words are just coming into focus. i just want to stop seeing. draw your fingers over my skin and i shudder. just one more. kiss.
donna says his eyes are like mine, full of an intense magical life force but subtly holding something back. he asks me a lot of things about donna. that's cute. since she and i are almost the same person.
floating in that eternal moment before everything becomes real.
we say we are getting married. "when?" "how about two weeks." i say "you know, i'm serious." i am. and he says he is too. he says he'll pay for the license. i'm not sure if he really is serious. but in the meantime today i have been doing research. $60 to get a marriage license. multnomah county building on hawthorne and grand. identification. forms. 3 day waiting period.
the radical for "within" in classical Chinese is an empty box. you can indicate withinness of any kind you like by setting another radical within the box. for example human love, while it is happening, will seem like something within withinness. on the other hand, withinness may spit you out like a glass eye. in that case, you paint the box black and call it JUST FOR THE THRILL.