how can i explain. a heart pulling beautiful boy i met once. an unexpected phone call. a bike ride that started at midnight, across bridges, flying down hills. a drink. a careful look. unbearable. stumbling up stairs to sidewalk. i'm not too drunk to ride a bike. where should we go? i'll follow you [anywhere]. across steel bridge, watching a train. talking about huge things, trees, cities, trains, feeling small. our bikes at a delicate angle. train passes. look. we could go to my place. hike up lace skirt again, swing leg over back of bike, speed down the hill.

a hallway. a room. red/white. talking. staring. holding back fire. i say you never know what's in someone's head. he says you have beautiful eyes. i say i could draw a picture of you. do you have a pencil? can i sit here? now stay still. eye on eye. drawing is like walking off a cliff. trusting. my heart is beating way too fast. so intently looking and pencil to paper. it's done, not that bad, really. i put the paper down. heart racing, hands clasped around my knees, black lace skirt, white skin, silence. then he says i have a girlfriend but. desire. i say. you are beautiful. can i just. touch your. hand.

yes.

i do not know what i can/not do. so slowly skin. so, so slowly. an hour of pulling. i can hold tight. i say i've met my match. tighter. shy glances. he finally kisses me. i was too afraid. after that we didn't stop kissing for 6 hours. even in our sleep probably. skin. it's our luxury. stretching skin against skin, so smooth. you smell amazing. you too. he says when i first saw you i felt this. flash. me too. i knew. isn't it funny when you know, like that. funny, isn't it.

he touches me like no one has ever touched me. how i always want to be touched. and i didn't have to say a word. he says it's funny this feels so natural. holding each other so tight for hours, running fingers over hair and face. i say i want to become part of you. he says we can do that. very, slowly.

we sleep from 7 am until 11 when we wake up and can't stop touching again. i say have you always been the most beautiful person in the world? i love it when you smile. sitting up he says this has to be a secret. i can keep secrets when it's important. can i see you again? yes he laughs. we stumble through dressing. he is very, very late for work. we walk outside to the bus stop, hold each other once more and i ride away. businessmen stare at me. my black lace was for night, not day.

i don't know anything. i don't know one second into the future anymore and i don't care. i don't know if any of this was real but it was so beautiful. a dream. he is coming over after work. i haven't eaten since yesterday morning and i feel electric.