"you would need to write a letter yourself indicating exactly what you have done and why you think it is time to return. Given how recently you left Reed College, this will be an important letter. Your doctor will also need to address your readiness, what kind of follow up you would need... It would be best if you would sign a release of information so that your physician could also talk directly with *** about this, and *** will make a final recommendation to our office. One of our greatest concerns is that students try to return to Reed too quickly and then have difficulty. We do want to be sure that when you return you have every opportunity to be successful. I don't mean to be discouraging about this, but I do want you to be able to be realistic about the timing of your return, both clinically and administratively."

They just don't understand that preventing me from getting on with my life will make me miserable, and that's a lot worse than any other possibility. Administrative people are so irrational. How will putting my life on hold indefinitely and feeling completely useless do anything good at all?

So then I was talking to Donna -- and talking a lot, because I haven't been talking to anyone for the past few days and I had about 700 things I wanted to tell someone -- and then it seemed to make sense to go to California until spring, since she and Sam aren't coming back until at least November and I want to be with her. But then I would graduate even later.

Have I mentioned that I'm going to die when I'm 23? Natalie had this dream. She said, "It's so scary, I don't know if I should even tell you. In the dream, everyone knew when they were going to die. They were talking about how we know, unconsciously, how long we have left, and live accordingly. We make choices based on how much time we have. Everyone was talking about when they'd die. And I turned to you and said, 'What about you? When are you going to die?' And it was exactly how you always talk, you just turned to me, completely emotionless, and said, '23.'" (She had the dream before she knew I was doing dope, so it wasn't just worrying.)

When I told C., he got really excited... 10 years ago he had a dream... in the dream, he was in his mid thirties, and his girlfriend was 23, and she died, and he was so sad he killed himself. It must have been a strong dream if he remembered it that long. And it's really plausible, since he's always on the verge of suicide anyway. The only way I see out of this is to stop seeing him before I turn 23, and I'm 100% sure that will happen.

I started telling that story because I was going to say "...and now I can't wait until I'm 23 so I can die" or something melodramatic. But that story is so silly, it made me feel a bit better.

Still, my choices are not looking so good:
1. go back to Reed in the fall. live in empty apartment and miss donna terribly. become neurotic. graduate in fall 2004.
2. go to California. have tons of fun with donna and sam. maybe go to thailand or china. go back to reed in the spring. and graduate a whole year later than planned, in spring 2005, just after I turn 24! (that is, if I don't die first).
3. join the army.
4. kill self.
5. find new drug to get addicted to. ignore life. except I think I ran out of new drugs to try.
6. move to spain with my new sugar daddy who supports my cafe con leche habit. (any offers?)

Really, between choices 1 and 2 I can't decide. It sucks when you start thinking, "I didn't realize how lucky I was last (year/month/week). That was so much better than now." And your criteria for times that were better than now keeps getting lower and lower.

At least I'm not getting any fatter. Did you know I gained 8 pounds since the end of April? My heroin addict diet was so effective (that is a joke. i actually lost the weight when we had no money for food, in february). I'm still 10 pounds less than I used to be, but this suburban cushy lifestyle is no good. (you mean there is food besides oatmeal, yogurt, and fruit?) Today on the phone I was telling Donna how I'm so depressed and I can't figure out why, and she said, "Are you eating enough? When I'm hungry I always get upset." Um, no. i mean yes. i mean, how did you know that?

donna donna donna donna. I thought I learned not to need people. What the fuck is this anyway? Is this some kind of test? Someone's sick idea of fun? I want my old life back when we had our happy apartment and I was in school and I was invincible. But I learned this one time that you can't try to recreate the past. The future will never look like that. You have to create something new. but what?....