i feel a lot better now. i think my old self is coming back. up until a few months ago, my normal mood was euphoria. kind of a hard standard to keep, but it's coming back... yesterday and today were really good. i think because 1. i made a lot of progress on my paper and 2. i talked to donna a lot and i feel more sane. by the way, the thing i wrote two entries ago, about how she said if i did dope again she would leave, and she did... that was just me feeling sorry for myself. i mean, she did leave portland... but it had nothing to do with me doing dope. it was after i came back to minnesota. but when i was sad it seemed a good thing to cry about.
yesterday i woke up early and spent the whole day reading about russia on the porch. the air smelled really good.
gabe came over and we had a long argument about whether i'm going to do dope again. it was kind of discouraging, because i don't think anyone will believe me, especially the people at reed who get to decide when i can go back. i hate not having control over my own life.
i'm SO determined never to do heroin again... i'm kind of glad now that i keep such good track of my life... lately i've come across a lot of things that remind me of who i was years ago.. old letters, photos, journals, songs i heard then. if it wasn't for those things i might forget who i used to be. and remembering that is what makes me the most determined to stay clean. because i was so happy & full of amazing energy. and i want to stay that way. and when i was on dope i lost that. i was listening to "a perfect sonnet" by bright eyes last night, and it reminded me strongly of the end of my second year at reed, when i was so insanely euphoric all the time, in love with everything, in love with my classes (i got straight A's). that is me...
and gabe said, "yeah, but you might think... i can just do it once and it won't hurt.." and i said, "no, it WILL hurt, that's what i learned when i went back and did it again, even doing it once is so awful for me." i've never been depressed in my life so i know i'm not supposed to feel like that, ever.
today i got up at 8 and walked to muddy waters, my favorite minneapolis coffee shop (because they don't have air conditioning). i'm wearing these tropical striped capri pants virginia gave me, and a sleeveless blouse with big ruffles on the front, two different socks (one striped, one purple) and mary janes. i didn't realize until i left the house that i kind of look like a circus performer. i don't know if it was because of my ridiculous outfit, but more men than usual smiled at me, some waved and said hi. but it wasn't annoying, they were all nice. i was waiting at this light and everyone driving by kept grinning at me. it made me laugh.
now i'm in the basement and gabe is playing guitar. tonight is "pirate movie night."