i didn't go to any classes on wednesday, i'm not going to class today. it's only one class though. before monday i have to write a 8-10 page paper, and read a 200 page book and make a presentation about it. c. and were going to try to quit this weekend, starting today. but he called me this morning at 10 am and told me he was going to go buy some after work. but i convinced him not to. i don't know how well this is going to work, since neither of us seems very dedicated to the cause. both of us will give in so easily if the other changes their mind.

i was thinking, though, it's only been a week since i realized what was happening. i can pinpoint the day when all my feelings about it changed. at first we were doing it every weekend. 2 weeks ago c. started buying it more often. i did it wed, thurs, fri, (skipped sat), sun, mon, tues. on wednesday, a week and 2 days ago, i tried to stop to prove that i could. thursday afternoon i realized i was fucked, and i gave in and did some. and every day this week. since i tried to stop i feel completely different about it. all the reasons i used to do it are gone. but there are new reasons, like, to keep my anxiety at bay. i should stop now before it becomes really routine. already after 2 weeks it feels like i've been like this forever.

so strange. i think i got something out of my system. the things that fascinated me about it. no, i still feel them a little. but there was this fascination that just vanished. of course, the desire not to feel like shit is a strong reason to continue. but donna and i were talking the other day about how, if you have an emotional connection to something, it's stronger than any other kind of desire. like the connection you have with idyllic things you did when you were little, this love that will never end. and my need for it now is much weaker than the reasons i used to do it, which were emotional and intellectual instead of physical.