So, guess who showed up at my door last night at 2 am? todi, my exboyfriend from vancouver. He hitchhiked down here without calling or writing first. The first thing I said was, "what are you doing here?" Of all possible times... this was probably the worst one to show up at my house unannounced.

I told him, "I have to write a 10 page paper, read a 200 page book and make a presentation about it, all by monday. You know that guy who let you in? We�re kind of... together. He was going to sleep up here tonight. We do a lot of drugs." Todi does not like drugs. At all. I said, "I know you hate drugs and you probably think this is really bad, but I don't." He said, "Um, I�d rather you didn't, but if you don't think it's bad for you to do them, I guess I don't either." hmmm. When we were together, I was totally clean, but he used to FLIP out if I even mentioned drugs I�d done in the distant past. strange.

We'd been planning for him to visit this summer, when I�m out of school, and I have no idea why he decided to come right now without asking if it was ok, which it SO wasn't. Normally, I would have had him come when I had free time to hang out, and I would have stayed sober when he was around, out of respect. But, when someone just shows up at the worst possible time... it's hard to be a good hostess. I told him he could stay one night and we could hang out a little, but then he had to leave so I could do my homework.

I was in a shitty mood even before he came, and I was probably really rude and unfriendly. I just could not believe there was another thing adding to my stress. We sat around having a not very pleasent conversation until we were tired enough to sleep. This morning I agreed to go to the paradox for lunch, and I ended up actually having fun. It was really warm out.

He stayed out by himself while I did work here, then he came back for a few hours, and left around 10. I�m still mad that I barely got any work done today because of him. rrrrrrr. I�m so fucked. Yeah... I think I�m going to wait until school is over to get clean... I can't afford to lower my productivity at all. But after my last paper is due on may 16, we're going to rent a whole bunch of movies and lock ourselves in c.'s apartment for a week and go through withdrawal. I don't think it'll be too bad. The hardest part if I stopped now would be dealing with my life, and when I don't have any responsibility or source of anxiety I can just zone out in front of the TV.

I love anthropology. It is my sundial magnolia turtledove icecastle.

crazy crazy Althusser, the anti-humanist, scientific, structuralist Marxist.

"Ideology represents the imaginary relationship of individuals to their real conditions of existence... in ideology men represent their real conditions of existence to themselves in an imaginary form.
Ideology interpellates individuals as subjects. Ideology functions in such a way that it 'recruits' subjects among the individuals into subjects (it recruits them all), or 'transforms' the individuals into subjects (it transforms them all) by the very precise operation which I have called interpellation or hailing, and which can be imagined along the lines of the most commonplace everyday hailing: 'Hey, you there!' The hailed individual will turn around. By this conversion, he becomes a subject. Why? Because he has recognized that the hail was 'really' addressed to him...

The individual is interpellated as a (free) subject in order that he shall submit freely to the commandments, in order that he shall (freely) accept his subjection, in order that he shall make the gestures and actions of his subjection 'all by himself.'" --Louis Althusser

But... people save the day. You never know what some lonely person will come up with. "People are known to creatively reconsider their conventional schemes. and to that extent, the culture is historically altered in action... meanings are ultimately submitted to subjective risks, to the extent that people, as they are socially enabled, cease to be the slaves of their concepts and become the masters... an event becomes such as it is interpreted..." -Marshall Sahlins. the eternal hope of the unexpected.