so i had an appointment today to try to get medication. my regular counselor, tami, isn't qualified to prescribe, so she came with me to a meeting with one of the nurses, michael. i explained how my anxiety has gotten much worse lately. i can barely stand to be on campus because i start freaking out when i'm in public too long. i usually make it to my first two classes, but on monday and wednesday i have another class at 6 pm. i used to wait in the library after my 1:00 class, but i can no longer stand to be in public very long-- i feel exposed and unsafe, like everyone's staring at me, and i have to go home. so i've been missing that class a lot. if i try to stay on campus i just lose it. and even after i come home, sometimes i'm so anxious the only thing i can do is lie in bed.
also, i have to get an incomplete in one of my classes because i haven't done anything for my research paper.. most of my class work i can do at home, but for that paper i needed to do research in the library, and i can't make myself stay there longer than a few minutes, so i just haven't done anything for it. i told them about how when i talk in class my heart beats way too fast and my throat closes up so i can barely breathe. and i don't even try to talk to anyone anymore, besides my few close friends.
michael told me that with my history of drug use, they can't give me any medication. nothing, not even non-addictive ones. he rattled off all kinds of empty therapy talk about how we should keep up a dialogue, and maintain a relationship, and a bunch of other meaningless nonsense. they said it was really good that i'd been clean for a while, and even though i might be a lot more anxious without drugs, i should keep up the good work, and maybe after i've been clean for a really long time they could prescribe me something. tami said, "you should work on your coping skills. do you ever take long baths? you should try journaling!"
what a bunch of bullshit. i was already so anxious from having to talk to michael that when i realized they weren't going to help me i almost started crying. they can go fuck themselves. if they think i'm going to stay clean when i'm so anxious i can barely leave my house, and when i have insane amounts of work to do, they're fucking stupid. and this is the same place that prescribed one of my friends bottles and bottles of benzos for his anxiety, and they knew all about his prior drug use.
now that i can't get anything for my anxiety i have no reason not do as much h. as i want, at least until school is over, when i'll have some free time to go through withdrawal. i just don't have 2 days to throw away right now. the only good thing about all of this is that for the past few weeks i've just been doing h. and sitting around my house reading for 10 hours at a time, so i've gotten caught up in all my classes, and i've gotten to read a ton of really amazing books. so i won't have any trouble finishing my other papers, besides the research one. i'm still incredibly stupid for getting into this mess in the first place, but oh well. i'm still having fun. i think i'm just completely insane, and i love it.
recently c. and i started having this strange relationship.. what happened was that i finally gave in to his advances, and then i realized that i actually like him. we spend a lot of time lying around his apartment with his cats watching movies. it's great. he isn't like most boys-- he's respectful of my wishes, trustworthy, and really really nice to me.. he relates to me the way i always think boys should, except no one ever does. donna understands. anyone reading this who knows who i'm talking about is probably really surprised, considering his age, etc. it's just funny. it took him a year of being in love with me before i finally gave in. i have to keep reminding him to live in the present. i think the best relationships are the ones where there are no expectations for the future. i have no idea what's going to happen. i'm just enjoying myself.