we're like family, and we all acted ridiculous and silly and laughed a lot. then we lay under the covers with the cats on the futon and watched "a touch of evil," an old orson welles noir movie. it's nice to spend a lot of time with the people i feel comfortable around, and i can just relax and not be nervous at all and just be myself, be completely crazy.

c. didn't work today so we did some earlier than usual. jessie keeps asking me what i'm really looking for, what my actions say about me... i don't know. something changed. it's not curiosity anymore, it's not that unbelievable surreality, it's not naive excitement. now it's excitement filled with dread. comfort. the dream. it picks me up and puts me in another place. release. softness. it reminds me of a palace lyric: "today was another day full of dread, but i never said i was afraid. dread and fear should not be confused. by dread i'm inspired, by fear i'm amused."

after i was in a car crash for the first time, i became obsessed with the feeling of the crash. that floating second before we even knew what happened. i loved feeling that enormous force, so incomparably bigger than me. one second we're driving along sleepily, then everything breaks open and this thing far beyond my control takes me over, until the car stops in a ditch and we realize what happened. i love feeling things that are so big the only possible reaction is awe and silence.

red self.