i suspect that cause and effect do not exist. the more i try to figure out why i feel the way i do, the less correlation i find between my moods and my actions. i didn't have class today, and poof-- no anxiety! i felt wonderful all day. i try to compare days in the past few weeks, try to line up all the variables and figure out what makes me happy and what makes me anxious, but there isn't a pattern, at least not one that could help me decide what to do. maybe it's just school that makes me feel like shit. i need to deal with my neurosis about people looking at me, and other things that drive me insane at school.

now donna understands things... it's good. we talked a lot yesterday and today. last night i slept from 3-6 am, at 6 i wasn't tired anymore so i got up. i felt really good all day. i read my book and cleaned, and donna and i took the bus to northwest and had lunch and looked at yuppie stores. i got a new red bandana and wore it like a cowboy. after i took a nap c. and i got haircuts at the salon where his friend works. he said that my hair wasn't that crooked, even though my haircutting method is grabbing chunks i don't like and chopping them off randomly. but now it's nice and even.

i'm playing with fire now. i don't want this to happen. as long as i can manage the next month, then it will be summer and i can make things right again. i'm in a little over my head but i might as well enjoy myself. i have no regrets.

gabe says, "stop it." as if i am a small child or dog pulling at his shirt. "stop it."

i just spent a few hours lying around c.'s apartment talking to my dreams. c. thinks people on the street were yelling at him through the window. he's crazy. he also thinks we're going to get married. la la la. i brought his cat, trucker, up here and he ran around the apartment meowing at me. trucker is obsessed with the way i smell. my sweat rubs off on my backpack, and sometimes he gets on my backpack, grabs it with all 4 paws, and humps it, clawing at it and licking it. it's so funny. then c. says, "i know exactly how he feels. i love that smell." just now trucker discovered my dirty laundry. oh dear.