the boy sat next to me in class today. the place where he normally sits was open, but he didn't sit there. maybe he just wanted to see the board better? then the teacher came in and stuck a chair right in between us and threw down all his teacher things. a whole hour and a half of nervous not-quite-looking was thwarted. fortunately, the teacher spent most of class writing on the board or running around holding the chalk. still, sideways non-verbal communication is difficult. but having a silent crush from afar is my specialty. it hasn't happened for too long. i'm enjoying this immensely.
now i'm supposed to be making a paper proposal for this 15 page research paper for my europe class. when i talked to the teacher about topics, i said i wanted to write about spain, and he gave me a bunch of ideas... he said i should write about pilgrimages, and when i mentioned the camino de santiago (the one i walked along) he said that would be perfect... i could write about modern constructions of the pilgrimage, why people do it, etc. it's a little too easy, since i've already read several anthropology books about it and about spain.
the only problem is, thinking about the camino makes me extremely sad. looking through my spain photo album almost makes me cry. same with reading about it online or looking at books about it. i don't know why. thinking about other trips i've taken doesn't make me sad, not even the other time i went to europe. so i was just looking at one of my books about it, trying to come up with ideas for the paper, but it was making me so depressed. it's a semester long project, and i'm not sure if i want to research something for that long that tears apart my soul from the inside. but it would be so perfect otherwise. i wish i could think of a different topic about spain. i'm not very inspired, and it's due tomorrow.
mourning time. the remnants of a past. the memory of another possibility. the places where history and experience intersect. how does the individual subject affect the symbols of the system? how is the unfolding of an event governed by subjective perception and memory? (we can change the past. the past is only an agreement). unfolding. a symbol unfolding through time and memory. the pain of a blinding absence. "an event becomes such as it is interpreted." (sahlins) a surplus of signification causes the mind to freeze and retreat. the pain of restraint, of impossibility. i remember distant bells in the grassy foothills. clangy bells on all the sheep, in the field. the sun shines through a tree tangle with white rays that are shot through the whole moment, straight as a piercing memory.
the box opened up and the dream spilled out.