being the same consciousness can be scary sometimes. just as she can't move my hand, i don't have control over the actions that lead to these emotions. i have never felt so strongly as in the past few weeks that i am in her head. and it's not just sympathy -- of course i feel sympathy strongly, and i always have. but behind the sympathy, there is a faint glimmer of emotion that is provoked by the circumstance itself, not by my sympathy for her. as if i am her. footsteps on the stairs make my heart beat faster, then disappointment. irrational self-loathing and guilt (although just a shadow of what i see). that is not a sympathetic reaction.
we are in the midst of several crises; the most pressing is money. our source of donna's rent disappeared, and while rent is not the worst aspect of the disappearance, it is the most tangible. how the fuck will we come up with $350 in two weeks, with no job and none in sight?? (portland is #1 in unemployment in the country. believe me, we've tried.) money has materialized before, but the magic is running out... if we could somehow find $150 i could use my $200 of "food" money, but what would we eat... if i weren't in school i could find a way, but school alone is already making this the most stressful time of my entire life. i never could have imagined things could get this bad, and there's nothing i can do but keep reading and trying to find free food and turning donna away from danger. the motto for 2003 is: it'll be ok, because it has to.
if you're feeling rich, please send donations to: becky/ box 399/ Reed College/ 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd./ Portland, OR 97202
the other day i was walking down 39th and i laughed out loud as i remembered high school -- i used to feel strapped for cash because i didn't have as much spending money as my friends with jobs, i couldn't afford to go out to eat with them all the time, i couldn't afford all the candles and pretty things for my room... HAHAHA! it was a manic laugh of someone about to break...
but today was one of those days when i was in awe of everything, especially my classes. stacks of epiphanies handed to me on a sliver tray. scribbling notes in shorthand i make up as i go along. i am on the road to belonging, kind of -- they put me on the email list for junior anthropology majors. this gives me the dubious privilege of reading two academic journal articles, so i can go to the discussion group on sunday, in addition to writing a 5 page paper (structuralism) and an 8 page paper (nietzsche).
Rational thought is interpretation according to a scheme which we cannot escape.