"to breed an animal that is permitted to promise-- isn't this precisely the paradoxical task nature has set for itself with regard to man? that this problem has been solved to a high degree must appear all the more amazing to one who can fully appreciate the force working in opposition, that of forgetfulness."

"to be permitted to vouch for oneself, and with pride, hence to be permitted to say 'yes' to oneself too-- that is, as noted, a ripe fruit, but also a late fruit."

"only what does not cease to give pain remains in one's memory. one might even say that everywhere on earth where there is still solemnity, seriousness, secrecy, gloomy colors in the life of man and of a people, something of that terribleness continues to be felt... whenever man considered it necessary to make a memory for himself it was never done without blood, torment, sacrifice."

he thinks it is sad that i cannot enjoy being around people all the time (him, specifically). i like to be alone. i have distilled my life into a pure form, free of need, and i can see clearly when i am being productive. wasting time is a curse. sometimes being alone is more enriching than anything else. it's not a focus inward, it's a focus out, everywhere, to infinity.

i found a site with writing by a high-functioning autistic woman. she is very smart, and she writes articulately about how she sees the world differently from "normal" people. whether i have some brain disorder or not, i can relate to so much of what she says. she understands being alone.

"I had to deal with the difficulty of changing my focus back and forth from my own thoughts to answering [my friend's] requests and then back to finding my own way again. Non-autistic people probably take for granted the ability to 'shift sets,' moving from one focus to another quite rapidly and unconsciously. Many autistic people find it difficult and tiring. No matter how good a friend she is, being with her is not like being alone. Being in the same house with her (or being in the house when she is near and may at any time decide to engage my attention) is not the same as being alone. And I need to be alone. Not just 'not bothered.' But alone.

'Social' time (time spent with anyone) is a form of work for me, and I always need a lot of time alone to rejuvenate. What feeds other people's mental/emotional batteries is a drain on mine (on an autistic's). One inescapable fact about autism is that we lack the ability to interact with other people in ways that "fill" us rather than draining us."

recently donna and i realized that we are one consciousness. it's been like this for a long time, but it's getting more intense. talking to her is like talking to myself, another part of myself. donna said, "i'm wondering why i'm not able to move your hand with my mind." maybe soon we'll be able to do that. i think it's already happening, to a certain extent. we talk so much, about every single thing in our head, that we influence each other's actions in so many ways. although she may not be able to move parts of my body, she affects most of my decisions. she might be the only person who does not "tire" my brain, because being around her is like being alone.

last night i wrote nietzsche phrases all over my arm. my reality is crumbling. i feel like something is opening up before me. When I am on a pedestal, you did not raise me there. Your laws do not compel me to kneel grotesque and bare. I myself am the pedestal.