***there's this girl in my painting class that bothers me to no end. i guess i shouldn't be gossiping on my page but what the hell, i might as well for once. this chick is too into men and small and really serious about herself and everything and can't seem to cut loose at all. she is very uptight-seeming. and she is overly blunt and harsh. i'm sure she thinks that i'm too sweet or cutesy. and then the lamb self-portrait. her neo-primitivist self-portrait fucking blows anyway. blah. okay, enough. i shouldn't be letting these thoughts haunt me. let it go let it go. but it doesn't help that the boy she was fucking happens to be one of my least favorite in the entire "reed community." they most likely deserve one another. okay, i'm being so mean. but it feels sort of nice.***

it hurts... it confirms my biggest fear, that everyone hates me. especially since i always liked her and i was never worried about her hating me. the strange thing is, after i read that paragraph about a thousand times and felt really sick, i read it again this morning. when i thought about each thing she said about me, it didn't seem as mean anymore. everything she said is true. maybe i was too into men. maybe i'm small. i'm probably too serious about myself and can't seem to cut loose and i'm definitely uptight (because i'm always afraid people won't like me. ha.)

except i don't ever remember being mean or harsh in that class. i loved everyone in the class, they were all really talented, and i'm rarely mean in any situation (except when i'm arguing with people about marx in humanities. i'd hate to hear what they say about me). i kind of looked up to her as an older artist, and i liked her self-portrait. (the painting of mine she's refering to is a naked one i did in the style of gauguin... i love neo-primitivism!).

i'm pretty sure i know why she hated my boyfriend at the time, and she had every right to (as did i). however, there's no need to continue gossiping. it's ironic that the same boyfriend used to criticize me for being "too carefree," while this girl thinks i'm too serious. i guess i can't please everyone.

it's all very confusing. now i have no basis on which to judge whether people like me or not, because i was so obviously wrong. the things she wrote are so nightmare-ish but also so incredibley distant they almost don't seem real. i suppose i should take this as a sign and stop caring about other people's opinions. i'm in some kind of vertigo.

addendum: i forgot to mention that today is a day of great rejoicing, because donna wrote a resume!!! we hope this means a job will come soon. i have selfish reasons to care about these events because if she is unable to find february rent she'll have to go home and i will be lonely and cry. it seems that all it took to get donna's life back on track was dave leaving yesterday! since he's left, the house has gotten markedly cleaner, and a resume has appeared.

i spent the last few hours reading this fascinating book by eric wolf, but i'm having trouble concentrating. i guess i'll have time tomorrow to read the 200 pages so i can write my anthro paper. i bought a crate of clementines at fred meyer today ($4!!!) and i've been eating them nonstop. they remind me of high school. hi gabe. if you're awake tomorrow (wednesday) at 7 am, you should go to the train station in st. paul. dave has a layover there from 7 to 8, you could hang out with him, it would be cute.