at 10 am the alarm went off, i crawled out of bed and hit the alarm. crouching on the floor naked and shivering, i thought, no. not now. not today. (never say never).
yesterday out at dinner: i excuse myself to the bathroom. in my jacket pocket i have a little bag, a dollar bill, my library card, and safeway card. i balance one card on the toilet paper dispenser, shake a bit out of the bag, use the other card to crush it, hope no one in the other stalls recognizes the sounds that are so familiar to me. (as eva says: if they recognize it, they're part of it too, so it doesn't matter). there is the feeling of "i have a secret" that i like. i don't know where that comes from.
it separates your life into good and bad, productive and unproductive, happy and irritable. life always has those separations but when you're an addict you have control over them. i'm going to feel good now. now it's time to start working. when i drank coffee i liked how i always knew how to cheer myself up. boredom, fatigue, depression, i felt that the solution was a cup of coffee, and believing it made it true. i don't even know if the bad outweighs the good, in the long run... being wonderfully high while you physically deteriorate... today wasn't that bad, a little tired. i keep stopping for a few days and starting again. it's only bad at first and then i think, that wasn't so bad, i can have some more... it's so nice...