when i got home dave and donna had just gotten back from saks 5th avenue-- to buy fancy shampoo. dave rode the streetcar for the first time too.

eva and i did ketamine yesterday (if you don't know what that is click here. scroll down to the part about emergence states). she gave me a bit too much, and i was completely knocked out for a while. we were lying on my bed with our eyes closed. i very gradually came to, but at first i was only aware that i existed. i didn't know who i was, or even how to ask myself that, just that i could think. the thoughts came very slowly. i felt as big as a universe, heavy and expansive, and all i could sense was darkness. i had a vague memory that i had taken something, and i thought that i might die from it. i thought of my parents, although i wasn't sure who they were, and my thoughts were too fuzzy to make sense. if i was going to die it was too late and it didn't matter. out of the darkness, i came upon language. i'm not sure how i knew how to form words or move my mouth, but i heard sounds come out and i sensed they were from me. they were extremely slow, deep, heavy, slurred. it sounded like they were coming out of a think layer of mud. "will........ this........ kill....... me." eva (who was less fucked up) said "what?". i repeated myself, slightly better at talking this time. "no" she said. satisfied, i sunk back into darkness.

my next realization was "i... love... you." then my eyes opened a little and i saw the ceiling. i thought we were on a cliff or in space. i saw some of my pictures on the wall and had a faint sense of familiarity. "are we in my room?" each sentence was less murky. i could open my eyes a bit more, and i tried to move one hand along my body. i felt like my body was a mile long and weighed 10 tons. my hand moved a few inches and then stopped from the weight. after that, i started to remember things about myself. i saw my books on the shelf, and at first they seemed alien but then i remembered that they were books i had read, in my life. i remembered my life, my name, eva, everything, and after a while i just felt kind of drunk and heavy. the experience was like nothing i've ever done before.. it was fascinating to feel so far from reality for a while. i guess some drugs take you far from reality, but on k i didn't even know that it existed.

i guess my drug binge days are over now that i'm in school-- i only had a few days back here but that's ok. my body is getting worn out. the other day we did e all day and went to saturday market and i bought a really pretty necklace. (don't ever go shopping on e.) and we ate at a fancy bar on top of a big skyscraper, where we could see all of portland. but e makes me feel so crappy afterwards, my teeth hurt and i can't sleep and i hurt all over. now i'm going to be a good schoolgirl. although half the people that buy stuff from c. are in college too.