well, i was getting on the freeway today, i pressed the gas pedal down almost all the way to merge, and i sped up to 55 miles per hour. i'm not sure when i noticed that the pedal was stuck, i guess when the car kept accelerating when my foot wasn't on it. i tried pulling it up with my hand, and it came up, but the car kept accelerating, 60, 70 miles per hour. in order to not hit the truck in front of me i had to brake constantly. i kept leaning down and trying to fix the pedal, but it was completely hopeless. i was braking pretty hard and still flying along at 65 mph. people kept passing me because i was driving so eratically. if i let go of the brake for half a second the car immediately sped up to 75. that's how strong the acceleration was. i started panicing.

i thought of calling someone on my cell phone but what good would it do when i couldn't stop the car? and i couldn't keep driving like that because i could smell burning rubber coming from the brakes. i had no idea what to do. i knew if i lost control of the car on the freeway i would probably seriously injure myself and others. so i took the first exit i saw. i had to brake as hard as i could to slow down at the exit.

my plan was to pull onto the shoulder, slow down as much as possible, and jump out of the car, and let it drive away or do whatever. i took my seatbelt off and put my purse in my lap so i'd be ready. it's funny, when i was trying to save my life i was still thinking about my belongings.

my foot pressed to the brake as hard as possible, i slowed to 25 mph, passed the other cars on the gravel, and veered to the right down a grassy slope. i realized instantly that i could only slow to about 15 mph, which was way too fast to jump out, i would get badly hurt. at the same moment i lost control of the car and hit a tree hard on my left side. the car kept going, down into a parking lot where i hit another tree on the door and the car jerked to a stop and i jumped out with my purse and ran away from the car. i started shaking and sobbing and i saw a man pull up in a car, and i looked back at my car and it wasn't moving, but the back wheels were spinning really fast and smoke was coming out of the hood. i looked at it like it was possesed.

the man got out of his car and i told him what happened and i couldn't stop shaking. i was uninjured, even though my window had completely shattered and i had tiny pieces of glass all over my skin. he reached in and turned the key and the wheels stopped spinning and the smoke slowly went away. i could have turned off the ignition myself, it would have stopped the car with a jolt, but i'd never thought of that. i leaned on the tree. there was broken glass everywhere. he opened up the hood and showed me that the throttle was completely stuck and that's why the car wouldn't stop. i started to calm down, and found my phone in the car. i told him that i was ok and that i was going to call my mom. she came in a few minutes and helped pick glass off me, and we left. my dad came later and got the car towed.

so i'm fine now. except it's strange how fear lasts. the image keeps coming back to me, speeding along the freeway reaching down for the pedal, my heart beating and gasping breaths. at first, i would play through the whole sequence in my head, until i crashed into the trees and ran out of the car. now every time the image comes back i push it away faster. what if i pushed it away so fast that eventually i couldn't remember it at all?

there are so many other things that could have happened, most of them would have killed or injured me and maybe other people. if i had hit someone on the freeway, or on the exit, or in the parking lot, or if i couldn't slow down enough, or if i'd hit something going 65 instead of 25. my plan was to jump out of the car, which was a bad plan and it wouldn't have worked, but somehow i ended up ok, completely by chance. why? i don't know. for the first time in my life, i'm not dead and i don't know why.

but i don't feel lucky, i feel afraid, and i can't figure out why. am i afraid of missed possibilities, the moments that splintered away from reality, the place where i'm crushed under my car or flying through the windshield? why is that more real than sitting here in my parent's house?