here is part of a letter i wrote to donna last summer, about gabe. �background: we were together on and off for a long time in high school and after, and he broke up with me for the last time 2 summers ago. �but a year later he decided to visit me and have some kind of fling for a few weeks. �that's when i wrote this.
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june 19 2001
even though i know he's not the best person i could find, if he would marry me, i would do it just to live a life without regret. i might regret not looking harder for someone who is right for me. but if i married someone else, i would live with infinite regret my entire life that i was not with gabe. when you decide that someone is "god" or you decide that your happiness is dependent on that person, it becomes a trap...
I know we aren't going to get married... he doesn't even believe in marriage. and any other kind of relationship with him isn't secure enough for me. i realized that i will never be secure with him, i will always be afraid that he will leave me, or be afraid that he suddenly doesn't like me.
if there's one thing I've learned, it's that there is no "Gabe". �there is no thing or person that will unconditionally make your life better or make you complete. I don't "have the thing whose absence has made you inconsolable for the past 20 months". there is no such thing. i have an illusion, i have the physical thing that i thought would make me happy, but not the spiritual thing. believing in that person makes it impossible to ever be with that person... once you elevate someone that high, you can't be happy with or without them.
as soon as i have him i'm afraid i'll lose him, and if i'm with someone else i live with regret and longing.
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i'm glad i don't feel that way anymore. �i think i had to fall in love with someone else to escape. �there is no way to explain this to someone who has never had their heart broken. �it's dangerous to love someone too much.
love yourself.