donna peeked in my room to get the cigarettes, and told me that she�d woken up to sam bleeding all over everything, standing above her saying �eat my blood, bitch.� he was really drunk and ate some dxm and had cut his arm with one of the kitchen knives. as donna was getting first aid stuff he cut it again, really deep, and blood went everywhere. then he kept running all over the apartment trying to drink more beer. donna grabbed his beer and poured it all over the bathroom floor, which was already completely covered in blood. i lay in bed frightened, listening to them have a cursing match.
�fuck you!
�no, fuck you! get your fuckin arm up! keep that ice on it!
�fuck you!�
and so on, for what seemed like hours. eventually i fell asleep again.

he doesn�t remember any of it today. but before any of this shit happened, he�d been talking about this vision he had that three people would die this week, elliott smith being the first. and last night when she asked him why he cut himself, he said that he thought if he died then someone else wouldn�t have to die.

anyway, there was blood EVERYWHERE, donna said the entire bathroom floor was covered. she mopped up most of it, but when i got up this morning i saw bloody footprints in the hall and blood splattered all over the walls of the bathroom, and random drops of blood throughout the rest of the apartment. there are several towels completely drenched in blood, and a white tank top they were using as a bandage. it actually looks kind of pretty, this white tank top with a swath of blood across it. i think i�m going to wear it.

the cut should have had stitches but he doesn�t believe in doctors so they taped it shut. yep, they taped it shut with scotch tape and then made a bandage out of some cloth and taped it over the whole mess.

i spent the day packing and mourning elliott smith. on thursday when i came in, i was telling sam all these things... i was already in shock about several things when he told me that elliott stabbed himself in the heart, i didn�t even believe it, and it finally sunk in today. so i listened to all of his albums in reverse chronological order. i have them all on vinyl, because i am cool. i took some of our furniture and put it out on division. i put two chairs at the bus stop. one of them is gone now. then i started piling up crates of belongings in the hall to take to storage.

i have three areas divided off: things to pack, in the corner. packed boxes, in the hall. and things to keep with me for the next year. i have two suitcases open and i throw things in that i think i may want. but i have no way of knowing what i will need for then next year, in spain, or wherever we go, anything could happen...

so sam and donna just got back from the store and we stuffed ourselves with good food. we talked about last night�s bloodbath and laughed a lot. oh, another thing he did last night was stab one of my books, this book i just received in the mail from softblossoms, called �be glad: the song has no ending. dream the world alive� about the incredible string band. he stabbed it three times, and pierced it about a half an inch into the pages, which must have taken extreme force. earlier in the evening he was very excited about the book, and that donna and i appreciate this music that he showed us. but something made him stab it. three times. i guess i could be mad but it�s so funny i don�t care, and you can still read all the pages.

over in the old golden land.

this morning i was having lunch with nico at the red and black, and c. walked by, dressed in black, and chills ran down my spine. i think he saw me. he looked like death incarnate. i think he was walking to buy cigarettes or something. i left two videos at his house but i�m afraid to talk to him to get them back. i don�t think i�d be able to avoid a barrage of verbal abuse. either that or pleading for me to go back to him. becky, i love you more than i�ve ever loved anything. but, here are 8 thousand things i absolutely despise about you and i can never forgive you for them, ever.

and the sword that killed him, was a sword of willow...

my boy said that when he was gone he climbed a mountain and sent me a message from the top. maybe i should climb the steel bridge and send a message to him in california.