the next day we ate breakfast at the red and black � we get tons of free food there because he sold his beautiful red chrome table to them for only $30 � plus free food. we are the honored guests when we dine at the red and black. free bagels and coffee!

and he says, �what's the plan?� he says �i just want to go, get rid of all my stuff, and get the fuck out of here.� we talked about plane tickets, possible countries, while holding each other tight on the couch by the window. he doesn't have as much money saved for moving as i thought he did. fundraising. i say, �plan A: we move out of my apartment and take off for mexico. plan B: take off for montana. plan C: take off for Redding CA with donna and sam and make tons of money petitioning. plan D: go stay with my parents and get free room and board until we leave for europe. plan E: ???? � truthfully, i don't care, as long as he is with me. i am saving up money so i can make this possible. $1,001 in my savings account! up from $1 previously. i work a lot.

after breakfast, we took my desk, armchair, table, and lots of books over to portland storage co. and rented an 8 x 10 space ($69 a month) and put the stuff in there. they have industrial carts and a freight elevator so it�s easy. i pushed him around on the cart and we danced in the elevator. now my room is emptier. i washed the dust off me and then we went out for thai food with donna. he parked the car in front of this old shoe repair place around 40something and hawthorne, and in the window was the most perfect pair of boots: here is a picture of them i found on the internet but they look better in person and i got them used for super cheap:

yesterday i left for the coast at 11 am. i held my boy and made him promise to be in the same spot in my room at 2 pm the next day when i returned. then i left, with my friend summer summer, and we had a wonderful time, taking pictures of the ocean, wandering around, shopping at the crappy beach stores. he�s looking for a beach house to buy so i went along for the ride. we stayed in seaside and the next day drove up to astoria so i could take pictures of the hugest fucking bridge ever. i love astoria. i love the oregon coast. my new goal is to take a walking tour of the oregon coast, taking pictures, and produce a glossy coffee table book that will make me millions. sunlight through fir trees and sand dunes.

but i was crushed to return to an empty apartment, and a letter from my boy on the table, typed, in an envelope labeled �becky.� right after i left, he decided to go to san francisco for a few days to wrap up some important unfinished business. brief excerpts from his letter:

�becky,
i�m sitting at your kitchen table where you sit in the photo taken that afternoon just weeks ago. so far, we are only the space of three hours separated...
i hope you are elevated, untouchable right now ...
i�ve already explained this to donna, my impulsive and recent decision to make it to san francisco...
although i�m leaving briefly with reservation and anxiety...
i�ll find you at that same spot, provided the rug remains so that we�re still working with the same map.
there�s a dreamer in my dreams.�

he�ll be back on tuesday. it�s really not that bad. but after seeing his car parked on the street and fully expecting him to be inside, finding out he�ll be gone for another 5 days shattered my mood and i could not stop crying for a long time. he said, �when will this be over?� ��what?� ��making money.� � �soon. i almost have enough.�

now two people are mad at me, one who may forgive me, one who won�t. and i have come to the limit of what i can forgive from him. i don�t think c. and i will ever be friends again. in fact, as i was editing this, he called again and i told him so. i said �i�m tired of your accusations and guilt trips. you can believe what you want about what a horrible person i am, it doesn�t matter, we aren�t friends anymore.�

i just had the strangest experience with sam. for some reason he was in here looking at my calder book, and he got to see me go through a rapid succession of emotions, from happy, to worried, to crying, to ok, to surprised, to crying uncontrollably. he was very comforting, in his strange way. he even gave me a back massage. comforting in a way that tells no lies.

so now i�m drinking tea and contemplating my half-empty room, my new shoes, sleeping alone for another week, and the fact that there is absolutely nothing i can do to redeem myself in the eyes of others. am i that inexcusable? are my flaws worse than others� are? i can hear them playing and laughing in the next room, and i brought the salt water taffy home but there�s no answer from her.

i�ve always had this thing about being left out. it seems to happen to me a lot, being the weirdo that i am, and being reclusive, not fitting in is my normal state. but it still makes me sad to know there�s somewhere i can�t go, someone who has had enough of my stupid decisions. boundaries.

oh, i feel sick just thinking about all of it. all of it, starting yesterday. i can�t wait until tuesday. until then i will put the rest of my life in boxes and dream of my dreamer and our dreams.

love, becky