today we performed a feat of impossibility. sam needed to be rescued from a bad, bad situation. a friend who turned evil on him. and he is very ill. and his mother may be dying, here in portland. he was going to hitchhike here (86 hour drive!). but donna said, no.

and she and i found a way to get him a plane ticket, leaving tonight at 12:30 am, getting here tomorrow morning. actually, my boy (fiance?) bought the ticket and donna will pay him back when she gets her next paycheck. he and i drove to the airport this afternoon. we needed to buy it in person because we got a special bereavement rate. (mother dying. it was still $480).

boy doesn�t even know sam and he was willing in a second to help us do this. donna and i are eternally grateful, and i�m sure sam will be too, once he meets him! then we wired sam money for a cab to the airport -- my money -- even though last time i saw him he hated me (i think he's changed his mind by now). unconditional generosity is a beautiful thing. everything is coming together in so many ways we never expected, so many ways.

so i stupidly told my mother about my imminent marriage (i can never keep my mouth shut), and unfortunately she was in chicago with all my relatives so now they all know and i�m sure they think it�s hilarious. my dad said, �i should have known you�d go and do something like this.� exactly.

i finally met my match. and i don�t mean match like we fit together (although we do). i mean � i�ve met my match. that look. i can�t hustle anymore. this is real honesty and real intense. i can�t tell who�s winning. he can beat me arm wrestling but i can wrap my arms around him tighter than anything. and if you turn on me, you�d better watch your back.

today i started purging my belongings. i got rid of three huge boxes at the free pile (at people�s co-op if you want some of my great stuff). i still have so many books. but i love them all passionately and deeply. i recycled 75% of the random shit in my desk. next is the closet. i want to purify this space. this happens to me every so often.

yesterday when donna and i were high on no drugs at powell�s, we made an impulse purchase � a large poster that says �wetlands� with a beautiful illustration of wetlands animals in their habitat with identifications of the species. the pinnacle is a large beaked bird at the top. only $16. we needed it. bad. and that $247 was burning a hole in my pocket. (yes, i have a job now!) but when you bring new things into the house you need to take things out. balance. my breath. it�s all one and the same.

This is the first email i wrote him, right after we met, 4 weeks ago. (It took him a while to get back to me).

�i'm still tripping and delirious with exhaustion but i felt i had to email you right away while it was still in my mind.

i think we have a strong connection. i don't feel this very often.

i don't know if you have a girlfriend or other attachments, but regardless, we should meet sometime soon. just to get to know you better would mean so much to me. i don't know what's gotten into me.

i would apologize for being so forward, but i don't like apologies and i love doing everything to extremes.

becky

life is points on a journey, it seems generally agreed. between the apriorities howl strong winds. yet the traveler, once in a long while, comes to a place he is sure, without a doubt in his mind, never having seen it before, is the one he was seeking. he enters. at first everything inside is so saturated with strangeness it is hard to breathe -- but look now: already it is drying in from the edges like rainwater in the march wind and he will in fact never after be able to recover that blankness in which he saw it first, the surgery of the first look. that moment of pure anthropology.

-anne carson�