i don't know if donna and sam will ever live in portland again. right now she follows him around so if i want to see her i have to follow them both around.

on wednesday i lost it.. spent the whole day crying and wanting to die, being pulled between two things. my life, and donna's life. they used to be the same thing. i don't even want to think about it. i decided what to do, and i'm not looking back. i made this big list of pros and cons of both options:

	pros	cons
california	-fun. crazy. adventure. -i love donna and sam -i love traveling -no c.	-parents unhappy? -confusing -my life will be "fucked up" -my plants will die -all my stuff is in portland! -still have to pay rent here -donna/sam never go back to portland = more confusion in the future -no education -pathetically following donna around
portland	-i love portland -bike riding -i love Reed -trees -parents happy -on the "right" path -i love the apartment	-lonely, neurotic -identity will change (from not being around donna for so long) (these are most important things) -have to write papers -kill self

i made that chart as we were coming up on mushrooms. sitting at the kitchen table and that old familiar feeling... i forgot how great tripping is. we had SO MUCH fun. first we stood out on the deck watching the sunset and giggling and playing calexico as loud as we could stand it. then we ran around the house being silly and putting on different clothes and laughing. tripping makes me feel so good... more like myself, more aware of who i am. we had the most amazing conversations.

donna started to get weird because sam hadn't shown up yet, and sitting around this apartment waiting for him reminded her too much of when he left, for a month, in february, without ever contacting her. waiting. she started to think he was going to leave again, and i kept telling her she was crazy, but she decided to just accept it and get over it. she decided going through pain is just *birth pangs* of something new being born out of the past. we got a little crazy and kept yelling "birth pangs!" and "eep-a!" (because that's what mexicans yell when they wreck their cars, according to sam).

funny, funny, funny things. then i said "monkey basket!" and there was no hope, we could not stop laughing. i forgot how nice it is to take a *good* drug... waking up the next morning feeling exhausted but extremely content.

sam eventually called... now he's here. we're leaving for california today, if we can clean this place in time. we're going to try to sublet it while we're gone. anyone want to live in a beautiful apartment for a few months? just make an offer.

right after we started tripping, not too long after i'd been freaking out and crying, donna mentioned that trip when we all wanted to kill ourselves, last summer. i said, "i thought that trip was fun, in a way." she said, "i didn't." i said, "i didn't realize how good i had it then. any pain i've gone through before now just PALES in comparison to right now... so you slept with gabe, BIG FUCKING DEAL, i still had my life, i still had you, there was still some structure that made sense. i don't care WHO you sleep with, it's so meaningless..." it's weird how little things seem now.

so yeah, california here i come! i'm even bringing my guitar so we can play in the back of the van like some fucking hippies. and i'll have to learn how to petition in front of wal-mart, and we'll have no money because we still have to pay rent here and they have this $2000 cellphone bill, but whatever... as long as we can swim in lots of rivers. we have sam's laptop with internet so i'll keep writing in here. sorry to whoever i said i was going to hang out with, i really wanted to stay longer than a week. things change so fast.