my new year's resolution is to stop talking to myself in public. it's embarrassing. the other day in a clothing store, i touched a skirt and whispered, "that's so pretty!" i didn't realize i'd said it out loud until a few seconds later when i noticed someone standing near me and wondered if she'd heard... i'm constantly whispering things to myself. so here's the question: if you talk you yourself, do you address yourself as "you" or "I"? i call myself "you." as in, "you should do _____" or "you're insane." i wonder what that says about my relationship with myself.
genetics #1: my brother seems to share the gene that i have, both of us became way too emotionally invested in a relationship around the age of 16. the difference is that he tells my parents about all the traumas and problems he's having with his girlfriend. they didn't know until years later that i was the slightest bit unhappy. they were surprised when we broke up. the whole time, i pretended everything was fine. i cried in my room for hours, washed my face, and went upstairs for dinner smiling. but that's how i always am with my problems. i always think that problems will somehow reflect badly on people's impression of me. and i hate it when people feel sorry for me.
it's sad to see my brother so miserable and know that nothing can help him until he realizes something that no one can put into words. i wonder if he'll ever figure it out. maybe he'll be lucky like me.
genetics #2: my mom told me that my grandfather has an obsessive compulsive breakfast ritual just like i do. different foods and habits, but the same idea. he can't let anything interrupt or alter his breakfast or he gets upset. i totally understand.
conversation with c. last night:
c: �so i just signed up for this new life insurance thing, and you're on it.
me: �what??!! what is life insurance?? are you insane??
c: �it's a death and dismemberment plan.
me: �dismemberment?? what the fuck??
c: �like if my finger gets chopped off at work, or if either of us dies, we get $1000. it's just a small plan.
me: �if you die, i get $1000?
c: �yeah, but don't get any ideas
me: �let's start chopping off our limbs and get some money!
c: �sure! you know, if we ever get serious about each other i'll get you put on my other insurance plan, the one i have through my job. then if i die you'll get $14,000 [or some insane amount of money. i can't remember what he said]
me: �rad! then i'll kill you and use the money to buy dope!
c: �exactly! and i'd be happy, i'd be floating up in the sky looking down and thinking "she's doin' dope with my money." you can spend the money on your new boyfriend.
me: �yeah, me and my new boyfriend will spend all your money on dope. it'll be great.
later we were talking about how doing dishes is like church. when i learned how to do dishes i used to wash all my dishes by hand, even though we had a dishwasher. i felt like it was a purifying ritual. it made me feel really good. we have other strange things in common that i've never had with anyone else. the feeling i can't explain.
i'm going home on wednesday night. he says he's going to wear a suit to the airport. he tells me he loves me at least 50 times per phone conversation. i really don't know.