i didn't want to stop until i'm actually at home, cause it will be easier then, and i didn't want to be in withdrawal on the airplane. airplanes are so uncomfortable as it is. i was talking to my dad on the phone yesterday. he's been talking to a bunch of counselors and medical people, and of course they're telling him horror stories and making him believe that heroin will ruin my entire life. i kept telling him, "i'm not a statistic. just because that happens to a lot of people doesn't mean it will happen to me. for one thing, i don't have a lot of other problems that addicts tend to have. also, i've only been addicted for a month! and i usually only do it once a day-- most addicts do it a lot more. i think i'll be fine. why don't you stop thinking about all these horrible stereotypes and look at what's actually happening. just concentrate on reality, not your worst nightmare."

he said, "well did you do it today?" i said, "yeah... but i didn't want to be in withdrawal on the airplane!" he groaned.

i just shot up for the last time (at least for a while, i hope). i didn't use to write about it explicitly in here because my parents occasionally read this, but now that they know, it doesn't matter... i never learned to shoot up by myself, because i'm terrified of needles. c. always does it for me, and donna's even done it a few times when c. wasn't around. this morning she did it because c. already left for work. we used the less fucked up arm, and she hit my vein on the second try. i let go of the scarf i had wrapped around my arm and shut my eyes and let the heavy feeling wash over me. "that's nice," i said, "i like that." i laughed. it was kind of like saying goodbye to my lover.

i talked to my cousin natalie on the phone last night. she's been on and off dope for a few years, and told me what to expect from withdrawal. she said even though she hates it, it's kind of beautiful to emerge after 3 days of hell and feel normal again. we talked about heroin related things for a long time. it's kind of strange, because we've been really close all our lives, and we've always had so many connections. especially when we were younger, we always discovered things at the same time and liked all the same things. lately we've become more different, she's a dominatrix and a car mechanic... but we both fell for heroin.

well, i have to go take a shower and get on an airplane. donna and i keep making jokes about how i'm In Danger and someone needs to Intervene. help! i'm in terrible danger!