at first he asked me a bunch of questions about my "use." then he started the insulting part. everything i said he responded to as if i were either lying or in denial, or just stupid. he talked to me as if i were 3 years old. and the way he explained the effect drugs have on your brain was oversimplified to the point of being wrong. he was trying to impress me with his knowledge by saying everything in this hushed voice of "i bet you didn't know about neurotransmitters, did you! ha!!" with his eyes wide open and an arrogant smirk on his face.

when i started to really hate him was when he said, "it looks like your use is increasing." and no matter what i said, he responded with, "it looks like your use is increasing," like a broken record. i kept saying different things and he kept repeating himself until i said, "ok, what's your point?" his point was, i guess, that no matter what i say, i'm in denial. which is not a productive way to help someone or to get them to trust you. i know myself better than anyone and no one can convince me otherwise.

then he started trying to make me feel like i was a horrible person, telling me that there must be something wrong with me because i like drugs. any normal person would be afraid of them, so there must be something wrong with me for even trying them in the first place. he said, "maybe you're not ready to deal with this part of yourself." i really wanted to smack him.

he told me this ridiculously long story about how scientists found the addiction gene, explaining everything practically in baby talk and oversimplifying all the details. then he pointed out that i have a history of addiction in my family-- which i really don't. out of tons of relatives, i have one uncle who used to be an alcoholic.

he told me that if i want to get help with my anxiety, doing drugs would interfere with other medication, which i did not dispute. i said, don't legal drugs mess up your neurotransmitters, too? he said, yes, they do, but they're designed to do it in exactly the right way so they don't cause any harm. which is SUCH bullshit.

then he tried to make me feel like a complete failure/loser/mental case for liking drugs for a while more. when i left i almost felt like crying and i was so glad to be outside. a woman at the bus stop talked to me and i was so happy to talk to a real human being instead of some monster. unfortunately, i couldn't go home and recover because i had to go to class, but as soon as that was over i came home and collapsed.

i don't know why, but i feel so violated by that drug evaluation. for someone who deals with drug issues all the time, you'd think he'd know a little more about them-- not that he should think they're ok, but that he'd be more accepting of people who use them, and would be more informed about how they affect your brain. some of the stuff he said about drugs, scientifically, was just wrong. i've read a lot about drugs and i have a lot of biology/psychology major friends on my side.