there is a boy-- but it's a secret. i spent yesterday trying not to be taken over by this feeling inside me that i get sometimes, in my gut. these waves of aching euphoria that make me do crazy things. desire without an object, searching for an object, pulling on the fabric of my sanity, that makes me find drugs or skin or both. when i did find drugs, the comedown made the feeling go away. it's back now. i don't know what it is but i am helpless. boy doesn't understand but he seems to be high on something else. this is a dangerous life.