there was coke here last night and i really really really really wanted to do it but i didn't. not because i shouldn't do it, but because i've developed some strange allergy to it that makes me really sick and my eyes hurt a lot. horrible pain that lasts 3 days is what it takes to keep me away from it. all the other awful things it did to my body when i was doing it every day--the classes i missed, bad mornings, bloody noses, and headaches--did not make me stop. yes, i am an addict. hi, my name is becky. i'm going to have to find a different substance though, that one's no good anymore. (just kidding, maybe). the one other thing i like enough to become addicted to is impossible for me to obtain, or do on my own, and i know there is no one who would help me. my little world of things beyond my control which save me from being a drug addict. fuck. (and i used to think i didn't have an addictive personality. there are things that can break even me. i just kept going farther.)

so, what a nice morning. it's sunny--what the fuck?????? where is the fucking rain??????? there's not supposed to be sun here in the winter. it's only rained once in the past month. i like the rain. it makes everything wet and smell good, green and black.

i'm hungry, i'm going to go eat breakfast and drink tea. i have to do a lot of reading today. a lot. i'm behind in postmodernism and anthro and the papers start in a week. (i didn't get behind in humanities because donna read me faust when i was too sick to read.) bye bye.