i decided not to wait because i was too hungry, so i walked home. i like wandering around at night and looking in people's windows. i always see warm kitchens or bookshelves or tvs or people washing dishes. it gives me a strange disconnected feeling. seeing evidence of families reminds me of home, that is, my former home with my parents. i always forget that children live in portland. for me this is the city of freedom, of no limits, of newness.
i can barely comprehend what it would be like to grow up here. when i see parents with children at parks or when i look into someone's house it doesn't feel like the same portland. i have to remind myself that people are born here, go to elementery school and high school, get married, have kids, move into this house, and are now cooking for their family. sometimes i want to knock and ask if i can stay for dinner. or when i see some fatherly person out working in their lawn, i imagine they can tell from my eyes that i want them to invite me in, feed me a nutritious meal, and tell me something that makes sense.
i have never been to a family's house in portland, or even the house of someone over the age of 30. i don't have any relatives west of the mississippi. my cousin used to live in seattle but he moved to nepal. all of my relatives and my parent's friends live in chicago or the east coast, thousands of miles away. i am the explorer, i discovered this place and put my flag down and now it belongs to me and i can make it for myself. there is no comfort, no way out, no warm kitchens or car rides home, no rest.
i don't know what it would feel like if i had even one relative or someone i could count on (besides people my age. they're too irresponsible). i don't think it would be as magical. there's something about this place that is beyond logic for me.