sometimes i get the impression that everything i do is just layers of memories and associations and very little choice or connection to the present moment. everything i see reminds me of something or some memory. the first time you see or hear or do something, you don't know how significant or insignificant that thing will become in your life. the first time you hear a song you have no idea how many times you'll hear it again, in what situations, in how many years. the first time you go somewhere it might be the beginning of a pattern or it might be a singular event.

false starts bother me. when you start something that you think will become a routine, but it gets cut off short, and you just have the memory of those 2 or 3 times it happened. it seemed routine but the fact that it was cut off makes those experiences part of an anomoly instead of a pattern. the expectation of a future becomes just another memory, but one that never happened.