in the past three night i have gotten 13 hours of sleep. that's not even enough for 2 nights, let alone 3. but i'm not tired. i haven't been tired at all. reading like a fiend so i have time this weekend to take pictures all day.

*in a structural analysis it is impossible to dissociate form from content. the form is not outside, but inside. meaning is not decreed: if it is not everywhere it is nowhere.*

i got in an arguement with this boy in my postmodernism class about a baudrillard article. he kept yelling "do you really believe that??" and accusing me of all these things. after a barrage of questions i didn't know how to answer, i said "i really don't know. what do you think?" and he explained how i was wrong, etc. no one else in class was saying anything and i can't stand to be singled out so i just stopped talking. eventually someone changed the subject. there are lots of arguements like that in class, sometimes the whole class is attacking one person. and that person usually stands their ground, keeps arguing what they believe even if they're totally alone. i never thought about it before, but i can't stand that when it happens to me. and it was just that one guy, no one else was saying anything mean at all. i care too much about what other people think of me.

the result: i make up reasons why people won't like me. i look at someone and think "they're too [insert social group or adjective here] for me. they wouldn't like me/ accept me/ have anything in common with me/ etc." just recently i realized that i put every single person i see into some group to make it impossible for me to talk to them. but when i look at my friends, people i like, there are no divisions, really, once you get to know them. i couldn't define a common characteristic among my friends, yet if i didn't know them i would assume that they would hate me. the insecure part of my brain has convinced the rest of my brain that i don't fit into any of these imagined groups and therefore can't talk to anyone....