i did k again yesterday and spent the waking-up process trying to remember if i was taking anthropology, then trying to remember what my parents look like. and coke. i wonder if the people sitting by me in the library knew why there was a bit of blood on my tissue when i blew my nose. it's strange when worlds meet. the people i know from their habits sitting in class looking respectable. they smile at me. but i'm getting tired of coke. it hurts me and it's not even exciting anymore. although eva and i laugh at every cokehead who says this is the last time, because they're always wrong....

i always look at people walking around campus, the girls who look so perfect, like they know exactly what to wear and how to do their hair and have an expression of calm confidence on their faces at all times, and laugh and talk to their friends. i wonder if people can tell how scared i am. sometimes i feel like i forgot how to walk. it's really hard, if you think about it too much. i feel like my clothes are crooked and everything is a bit off and i'm about to fall apart, not in a bad way, just very haphazard and uncontroled. i'm pretty sure it's really obvious. it's funny.