baby let your hair hang down

it occured to me that when i get back to portland, in 2 weeks, it won't be that different from when i left. i mean, i've talked to donna and some things have changed, but not the way i thought they would. i thought dave would be gone, because i said that when i went back to school i didn't want any distractions or tons of people around. but i don't think he's moving out and i decided i like having him around anyway... and donna and i won't be moving, at least not anytime soon. and she said my plants are still alive, so the apartment will probably be the same. i'll be back in school though, it will start to be autumny... and i guess chris is bringing back his romanian bride. and we might have other new neighbors. but the things i thought would be gone won't be.

it occured to me that when i go back i'll have drugs again. when i left i thought that part of my life was over. not drugs in general, but the excessiveness, and the extent to which my life centered around them. i told someone at a party here "i escaped the coke addiction part of my life." and i still think i escaped it. i left portland, i did something productive (got a job & saved a bunch of money for school) and now i can go back fresh and see what happens.

it's strange to think back on when i first left portland, and my body and mind were just wanting coke all the time. i was tricking myself into thinking i was ok, i really thought that i was feeling normal. but i wasn't. i've noticed that sometimes i can't accurately judge my mood until a few weeks, months, or years later, when i can see my past self with a clear head. times when i felt happy, sometimes in retrospect i realize i was depressed, and vice versa. that probably doesn't make sense to anyone...

portland!! city of my dreams.