i am so uncomfortable around people... it's so hard not to run away. i can be around a group of people, or even just 2 other people, but if i'm alone with anyone i get so scared. there are only about 5 people i am comfortable talking to alone. why? when there's more than one person, or a group, i have the option of escape... either i can leave, or retreat into my thoughts... i don't have to say anything if i don't want to. but if it's just me and another person, unless there's some other activity going on, you have to keep talking.
it's not that i don't like to talk to people, it's just that the pressure of it makes me forget everything and forget how to talk and how to be myself. i can feel myself shutting down, and everything slipping away until i feel like i'm drowning... it's such a shame because i really am interested and i want to get to know people, but it's so hard, it makes me just want to hide all the time. or always be around a group so there's no pressure. it's not that there's ever pressure anyway, i just imagine it, and imagine that everyone is judging me.
lately i've been scared that i'm annoying everyone. like when i get up in the morning i wash my bowl and spoon to eat oatmeal, and the kitchen is right by jeremy's room and i'm always afraid that i've woken him up and he's mad at me. but he's never said anything, so i'm sure he doesn't care. especially since the attitude at this house seems to be "make as much noise as possible no matter what time it is". but i can't stop feeling like that every morning.
and other times, when people say things to me that are kind of teasing, like playfully making fun of me, i have to convince myself that they're just kidding. because my instincts tell me that they hate me, or that i'm doing something really stupid. i watch other people interact and i see that they constantly make fun of each other, not in a mean way, but just as friends. i just take everything so seriously.
i usually feel like i'm some kind of scientist, watching this species and trying desperately to understand its customs and patterns, but i can never make sense of it. and when it's my turn to act out the social rituals i can never get it right, and everyone can see that i'm an outsider and that i don't belong.